Welcome to the good life.

I decided to read over my blog a couple days ago. Talk about rambling. I'm going to "try" to do a little better. Bare with me folks.

So lets sum up the last couple weeks of "The life of Ashley" Shall we?

Well there was a much needed Spring Break. Unfortunately, I didn't go any where. But, I can't complain. Staying up all night, sleeping at crazy hours, hanging out with great friends and family, and  catching up on my reality shows, Pretty much sums up my Spring Break. Besides, tons of projects for school. That was a great experience.
I also went on a shopping trip with my mom and grandma. It was like 2 days long. I love shopping, and knowing that I don't need to rush, and I can just take my time, is even better. Thank you Spring Break.


Well sadly the break ended, and I went back to my little old college life. School was hard that week. It was awful waking up, while continuing abnormal sleeping hours, and so hard getting back into the groove of school. Somehow I managed. Somehow I managed to hang out with a few people. And somehow I managed to finish everything I need. Thank the good heavens.


Lets see, this week is just starting. Between 4 quizzes, 2 tests, 15 hours of service hours, 3 hours in the MAth hub, lots of homework, babysitting, and school everyday...I have a feeling I will be sleeping AALL weekend. So I heard about this new mall? City Creek Center? I also heard this mall is pretty good? I'm in need of going.. In my opinion, Utah does not have good shopping at all. Back home I would go to Saint Louis, or Kansas City when I wanted to do shopping trips...here I just travel from small mall to small mall...So hopefully this mall will be better. Crossing fingers. Summer/Spring shopping. Bring it.


Today was a kinda crazy day. I woke up at 6.. to find nice weather outside. It was sunny and windy. So I figured, this is totally Spring weather. Well from 7-9 I headed to the campus in Layton to do some delightful math. Well, I come out of class walking in flip flops to find myself just trying to stand up with hair everywhere. It was freezing! And hailing! And windy! And Rainy! It was so insane. So then I drove to the Ogden campus, for my other classes, on the way there a rock flew across the street from the wind, and shatters my window. It was also delightful. I get to school take a quiz, head to my other class to find out it is cancelled..So I go home for 2 hours, to drive another 45 minutes back to Ogden for a service project assignment.. So what do you know? It was rescheduled...So I drove home blaring my country music, with wind busting through my windows feeling like a rock star. As I was about to take a much needed nap (Surviving on 90 minutes of sleep mind you) I get a phone call from my friend BEGGING me to watch her adorable kids. So here I am dousing off typing a blog post, listening to Highschool Musical sound track, smelling tomato soup, listening to adorable kids telling me made up stories, that make no sense. With a baby that has puked on me a good 4 times. Life is good.

To the girl I used to be.

To the girl I used to be:

Every day I wake up, and look in the mirror. I look in the mirror, and don't even recognize myself. I do my normal morning routine, and drive to a familiar university I call my college. It doesn't look like the college as a little girl, I would imagine going to. I walk to my class, occasionally smiling and waving to familiar faces. I sit in my class, and try to pay attention. But sometimes, sometimes I get distracted. It's like the past haunts me. Everything has been going rather smooth in my own personal life. I have family, I know their there for me. I have friends, that I could call and talk too, and I have God I know I can always talk to. The thing is, talking is hard for me. talking about important things are harder. Talking about how I feel is a new subject, I am slowly learning.

In was the start of 6th grade, an overweight girl with no confidence entered the lunch room. She looked for her friends, but knew deep down she had none. She walked over to the farthest table and sat down. She wanted to be invisible. She wanted to be left alone. Sadly, the other children knew she wanted to be left alone, so what would they do? Torture her. They would through food in her hair. They would make fun of her. They would call her names and laugh at her. This little girl was me.

A couple months ago in my English class, I was given a topic. I was given the topic "Bullying". I didn't think much about this topic. Nothing much at all. I would read a couple magazines, checkout some books, and shoot google the topic as well. As I got to the part where I was supposed to share some personal experiences, I just couldn't. I spent almost a month contemplating what to do. I didn't want people to know my story. I didn't want people to feel sorry for me. I didn't want to be looked down upon.

I have always learned you have to accept the truth in order to embrace it. The truth is, I used to get bullied. Not like the typical once a month, laugh at and point bullying.  But the type of bullying, where you get bullied your whole life. I remember it was even in Kindergarden I was bullied for playing basketball. Something so small, as a couple girls laughing at me for playing a "boys sport" haunted me to the point of quit following my dreams and playing the sport I enjoyed. 3rd grade was bad. I remember that is when the cliques were formed. I remember the start of my middle school years were the worst.  I hated going to school. I had no friends to sit by at lunch. These years, continued to get worse. In was 10th grade year, when the school found out I was LDS. That gave all my bullies something else to pick on me for...I remember coming to my moms car (Since I was not yet 16) and having to make up an excuse to sit in the back, so my mom wouldn't see me crying. I felt alone. I felt down right awful. I truly believe that the worst thing a person can do to you is humiliate you infront of others. I was humiliated day after day by tons of bullies.

I don't think a victim like me or anyone else, who have been bullied can fully 100% overcome the pain that was caused. Years later, as I am feeling great about my looks, my grades, and my social life. I occasionally get the same feeling I felt years ago. When I walk down hallways, and everyone just stairs, I have that punch in my stomach pain, wondering what they are saying. When I run into class late, and the whole class stairs, it reminds me of years ago. The rude comments, the dirty glares, those have burned so deep into my brain that there is no forgetting. I hate watching people bully others. Even if they are the "nerd" in their class. Even if a boy is "gay" and doesn't play football like the other guys do. Even if a Jewish girl doesn't want to say the pledge, or a bigger girl is bigger then all the guys. Does that make it anyone's right to pick on and harass the individual? NO. Not at all. Somedays I wonder, if all those cruel boys and girls who called me all the names under the sun, who made me cry every day,who would trip me so I could fall, realizes the harm they caused on me. I wonder if they even would care.

I wish I could help others. I wish I could at least help a victim. I know how it feels. I know how hard it is. I wish I could tell them not to let those cruel words and harsh circumstances just not get to them.  I wish I had someone when I was getting bullied. I wish I had one friend that would stick up for me back then.
Facing the facts and realizing the pain are the hardest for me.

Power.

POWER.

I'm having a "proud" moment right now!

About a week ago i bought an elliptical.  I figured that was the ONLY reason why I ever go to the gym, so why not get one, wear whatever I want, sweat my face off, and just run at it at home, when ever I desire.

Sounds so easy right?

No.

Every morning when I wake up, I think,"Oh Ashley, you have an elliptical, so go run!NOW!" I have been running,running,running, and running some more. I never was able to run, I always hated it. I still hate it with a passion, don't get me wrong. But I now CAN run. I can run miles. I remember all through middle school, I never could finish 1 mile. I would run a lap and then practically die walking the rest of the way. Thinking about those disturbing moments in my life, makes me feel even more accomplished. now. I can run like 12 miles a day, then get off and actually walk. Walk after?! I love it.

I remember when I first started working my butt off trying to loose weight, I had a goal in my head. I knew if I was ever to run 2 miles, I would be so satisfied. I never dreamed of sweating my face off/ running 12 miles. Never. Ever. Sometimes, I look back and feel terribly bad for my "old self", looking at little girls who were so pretty and thin. Who had all these friends. Who would go shopping for the cutest outfits. Then there was me. Looking back is hard, really hard. But I have never appreciated good health more then I do now. 

When I was overweight, I thought I was ugly because I was overweight. I now have realized I felt ugly because I didn't want to be overweight. It wasn't the fact I was bigger then everyone. It was the fact that inside I wanted to be different. I am so happy when I think about what I accomplished. I am so happy knowing I had the POWER to choose to eat vegetables. I had the POWER to take those awful comments I would hear, and run. I am so happy I had everyone behind my back cheering me on. I am so happy when my friends know I'm watching what I eat, that they bring me carrots instead of eating fries. I know that this all happened for a reason. I am glad I was the girl I used to be. I am glad I am the girl I choose to be.

POWER. 

Don't let it hold you back.

It seems like I blog at the craziest times of my life. The days, I need help. The days, I just want advice. The days I just want confirmation, that this is okay. I have so much to be grateful for, but when obstacles zoom into my life, as hard as I try I just can't blow them off.

I hate having fears.

I feel like a gain fears, from striking events in my life.

Bad events, good events, they create and stir up some kind of fear inside of me.

I never thought   that is a lie..I have hidden the thought that one day I'll need to accomplish my fears. Some how overcome them. I always thought that by pushing the fears deeper and deeper down, that it will somehow just disintegrate.Disappear. Vanish.  2 days ago, it was brought to my attention that I had to get over my fear. I guess I didn't have to. But in my mind, I have to. I could not and still can not accept the fact that my fear will win again. I can't let that happen.Not again. This week I'm going to try to grasp my fears. 

On a cheerful note. Spring Break is coming up. I have 2 more days of school then a week of freedom. thank goodness.

Then less then a month of school.

Then Summer.

Then tanning.

That calls for a happy excited anxious little Ashley.

The Bookstore.

Everyone is getting married. And then there is ME.

It was Thursday, my friend calls yelling at the top of her lungs,"I'm engaged Ash, He wants to marry me!" As we yell/freak out, and talk about how exciting this is, in the back of my head I think about another one of my friends becoming engaged.. On Friday this girl and I hung out, she is thrilled, talking non stop about how is she going to be a wife, then a mommy, and everything under the sun. As I sit there listening to this girl that just turned 19, I can't help but think about me. I'm almost 19..Am I ready for marriage?

The answer is NO. I know with out a doubt I am not..this began to got me thinking, about all the things I would like to learn/do/accomplish/ before I get married.

The following day we went to Barns and Noble. My soon to be married friend, was going to "learn" how to be a good wife by reading about it. She said she knew how she wanted her husband to be, because she learned from her dad. So that wouldn't be a problem. As she went to the Relationship/Love aisle, pulling out book after book, I kept hearing the sentence,"I know how I want my husband to be, I have watched my dad!" over and over again. While my precious friend sat on the ground pondering how she was going to be the best wife sh could be, I thought about what kind of man I want to marry. What kind of dad, I would like my kids to have. Unfortunate, I can't just watch my dad. I can't watch how he treats my mom, and compare that to how I want to be treated. I can't observe how he treats his children, and say that's how I want my children to be treated..

(It has always been a bit scary to me thinking about the big M word. "Marriage". I know it is because of the marriage my parents have. I can't imagine getting married, and my husband just not caring. This causes me to be very skeptical, which I now see as an advantage. Although I did not watch the way a man should treat his wife, and although my dad never treated me like a way a man should treat his children. I know how a man shouldn't. Over the last year, I have thought about how I want to be treated, how I should treat others. It makes me so happy to know that I know what not to have in a relationship.)

After sitting at Barns and Noble for a good hour, I thought heck, I'll read a book. I found "Act like a Lady think like a Man" by Steve Harvey. I have heard about this book, from the Ellen show, Oprah, and just around. So I began to read it. I love it. I actually bought the book. It gives you so much insight. Well this completes my rant.:)

Cheers to finding Mr. Right.