Get Your Holiday On!

Happy Thanksgiving folks.

Isn't this Turkey precious? I made this. Cheesy yes? Do I love it? Yes.

I m not a super big fan of Turkey Day. I would much rather have 2 Christmas's. I just adore the Christmas Season a whole stinken bunch.

I do like Thanksgiving for several reasons. It's a day we can walk around, and b thankful for EVERYTHING that we wanted to be thankful for.

So here fella blogger's.. This is what I am thankful for: God, Family, Friends, My best friends, cousins, my puppies, safe neighborhood, ability to love, life, small memories, vacations, sunshine, lighting bugs, reality shows, little children, LIFE.

Now I am so excited for Christmas. Soooooooooo excited. December means annoying Christmas commercials, which I adore, christmas lights, peppermint hot chocolate, Pumpkin and Cinnamon everything, going to Vegas, Seeing my best friend for a week, wearing a red dress and antlers, a month off school, relaxing, listening to Justin Bieber's Christmas music all night, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and the awesome sales after Christmas. Happy Holidays everyone!!

"You say what???"

Im alive children. My stressful week did not beat me. Thank the great big heavens.

Every day brings me new surprises. When I thought about posting this post/topic, I was so unsure. The only reason I am talking about this post is because, IF someone reads this, I want them to know everything is possible. 

This week I was offered 2 modeling jobs, and 1 acting job. I have never ever ever pondered/thought about anything like this before. Sure I am addicted to taking pictures with friends and capturing memories..But come on life; this is nuts. The agencies approached me out of no where, and honestly I thought it was a joke.

If I had to be honest with myself, and the world...2 years ago I was so overweight. I was the "overweight girl" that had 0 confidence. I had very little friends, and always doubted myself. I knew I was overweight, but food was the only thing that brought me happiness. Food was my friends. Food did not ever tell me I was fat. Food was there for me no matter what. Over the last year, I have tried so hard to be the fittest person I could be. I was tired of having no confidence, I was tired of being the biggest girl in my classes. I choose to loose weight. I had no idea how hard it would be. I had no idea even how? But I knew that I wanted it. 

Last year, I would have had no idea I would be offered these jobs. These opportunities are amazing in my eyes. Unfortunately, I turned them down. They required me to do this when I was in school. This gives me the encouragement. Encouragement to continue going to the gym diligently. I know I can accomplish anything.

Humbled.

Lately I haven't been the Happiest Camper of life. I thought I had a lot of "reasons" to be a downer. This last week, I have had the worst mood, so many trials. One after the other. I'm used to trials. I have had them all my life. This week I was unhappy. Unhappy with basically everything.

Ive been sick of people judging me. I usually blow it off, but recently I just thought enough is enough. I live my life the best I can...and here people who walk into my life just judge me? I was sick, of being the nice girl. I was sick of studying. I was sick of being tired. I have been praying a lot lately. Praying, just to be "content"...I know it won't just happen over night. But, I believe it will happen. I love the power of prayer. I love believing, trusting, and having faith.

kinda new subject.

I miss Missouri. More then I tell. Before I moved I was so content with my friends. Sure, they did bad things all the time, but I had a looot of true friends. Yes, I have lots of friends that I love so much now. I have had so many wonderful opportunities to make friends this last year. Sadly, I have not taken advantage of this. Believing, I will never find "true friends" that will make my day like my old friends used to. I have come to a realization that I need to give people a chance.

Speaking about friends. Ive realized how blessed I am to have friends. I made a good friend today...:) He made me feel special and laugh. After a stressful week, I needed that.  I have a feeling this friendship will gain..

Everything has a learning lesson. This week...although it was terribly hard for me. Although I didn't handle myself like I should of, although I hurt some people that were close to me, I am humbled. I am humbled to know that challenges make me stronger. Sometimes, I try not to believe it... But I can't loose faith.

I am humbled.

Haaay.

This week has ben one of those "bleh" weeks. Wrong situations, has just been flowing in my direction. Day after day of swatting those situations away, it gets to the point it just needs to stop. Today, did it stop? No..  Today was hard for me. I am feeling it, today. People can handle a certain amount of stress, and this week has been the definition of extreme stress. With all that said, I am grateful. I am grateful for the people that have been put in my life. I can be myself. That is an amazing feeling, knowing you can         
Thanks guys. Thanks for being great friends to me tonight.
                                        relax, let your hair down, take a breath, and laugh.


           On another note. I hate school.     

Fearful, exciting awakening.

BeWaRe PaLs:

There are so many thoughts in my head right now.

Let me begin by this.

My week has been rather insane. By insane I mean: pressuring, scary,intense, terrifying, learning, special, and hard. I do not know where to begin, so good luck understanding.

     My week was really hard for me. At the beginning of the week, I had a "scary moment" going on. I was scared for my own safety this week. I am a huge scraredy cat the way it is, so a real "scary" event, popping up in my life...really took a tole on me. With the comfort of Heavenly Father, I am feeling at peace, and I am grateful.Since the semester is nearing.. my professors have all gotten together and planned together, to give me the most amount of homework that they possibly can.Okay, I am sure they really haven't all gotton together, but HECK it sure feels like it. I have had more tests this week, homework, papers, and whatevertheheck else, then I have evereverever had. Well, I finally submitted my human development paper that was worth 50% of my grade. I'm feeling really good about this. Crossing my fingers here. I just wrote a 9 page paper on "what is your philosophy on life? Where do you see your self in 10 years from now and 20 years?" Weeeeel heeeeey there tough question. Any way, I finally finished this paper. I have never thought about things  (Why you ask? Because my English teacher gives me a 15 minutes lecture every time I use the word "things", so I am practicing OKaY?) this deep before.Soo here is my thoughts on this topic, and life:

-Life is precious, it really truly is. 

-Be proud of who you are, you don't have to be a size 2, you don't have to act  a certain way, talk a certain way. Accept yourself.

-Be thankful. Take time out. Thank God.

-Embrace your future. Try not to be scared. Everything happends for a reason.  

-People are put in your life for a reason. Your put in people's life for a purpose also.

This week has been so stressful, I have been at school from 9am-7pm every night. Then I get home at 9, then go to the gym from 9-10. from 10pm- 4am, I study. Then I sleep for 2.5 hours, and wake up to work out... then repeat. I have been GOGOGO. Today on the way to my Ogden the song "What if God was One of us" by Joan Osborne. It just really hits home. It makes you think. It makes you face reality. No need to mention I have listened to this song a good 85 times tonight.

http://youtu.be/UYZKZfdr3ac

Thats the link, I'm not sure how well I like the video but I adore the lyrics. If the youtube link doesn't work, make sure you look it up.

So there is my ranting for the night, Be happy.Love yourself. Accept yourself. Choose to love yourself, and choose to be happy.

Angel.

See this girl.

Is she precious?  Yes.

Do I know her?  No.

Do I feel like a freak uploading a random little girl on my blog? Kinda.

I was at school today. I was not a happy camper. I have had so much that has been on my mind lately, and I just have been stressed. Tuesdays, I only have my delightful math class. I go just because attendance is a big part of my grade. If attendance did not count, I would never show up. Ew. So I go all ugly to my math class, I wake up 5 minutes before I have to leave, then drive an hour, to sit in a class for 45 minutes, then drive home. Now, understand why I hate it? 

Okay thanks.

Blaaaah. 

Anyway, today I was walking in the hall, and a little girl with down syndrome came running up to me and gave me a high five. Then she yelled "huuuuug" (mind you very loud) and I may or may not have laughed when her mom told her to be quiet. But were  besides the point, of me encouraging this little girl to yell. 

All I have to say is bless this little girl. Bless her heart. This little girl, did not know me. Although this little girl made my DAY. She goes through discrimination,judging, and criticism every day. But she smiles, and laughs. I love this little girl. So much. 

She was an angel.

<3

On another note. I am getting sick of everyone bashing on my favorite holiday. I love me some CHRISTMAS. Everyday I hear people hating on my holiday, I mean foreal children? I mean I know, thanksgiving is close to Christmas...and all. Yes, I love Thanksgiving. But, I love my Christmas better. 

I have made me some big Turkey day plans. Wanna know some of my plans!!

Heres what I am thinking.

-I will dress up as an indian.

-I will trace my hand and make a turkey.

-I will make a feather bandana.

-I will eat corn on the cob and mash potatoes, while watching a "Thanksgiving movie" Is there even such thing?

and...

then..

there...

is...

BLACK FRIDAAAY.

<3

Get your groove on.

I wish I could love this machine, I really wish I could.

Tonight this stupid machine kicked my butt. I'm "trying" to get in shape again.. It's so so so hard, forcing myself to keep running on that elliptical, when your EXHAUSTED.

These couple of weeks have been hectic. Very hectic, scary, and stressful. Challenges make you stronger right? I'm sure hoping.

GETCHAHalloween on.

Now tell me this ain't the cutest most precious picture.

I just adore my little bunny face puppy.

So big news. This is basically my first Halloween since I was like a little kid. Last year I worked during Halloween. The years before, I was sick. All last week I was so sick! thank goodness. It finally "some-what" went away, on Wednesday. So what did I do, you ask? I immediately, made Halloween plans all week. 

Wednesday I went on a date to a scary-freakin corn maze. I may or may not   peed my panties.I screamed every time. thank goodness this boy was totally chill. On Friday I went to Fright mares with my momma, then went to a Halloween party, and dressed up as a baseball player...haha whata joke. On Saturday I went up to Provo and went to a fun little dance party, where I met this totally attractive boy, ( GREAT STORY: the kid added me on fb, but me being stupid ACCIDENTALLY ignored the request, and I don't know his last name...so yeahh I'm screwed, story of my life.) Then I went to the HOWEL. Tonight I watched a stinken scary movie with some friends, then fell asleep, and now I'm suffering from a broken neck. Oh and tomorrow I am carvng pumpkins:) I am loving my Haloween. Ohh yeah, I have eaten every pumpkin thing in the world. I have taken advantage of this last week, splurging the heck out of it. As much as I loved partying untill 6am every morning, appylying gobs of glitter on each eye, stuffing my self with candy/pumpkin/hot chocolate,peeing my pants every 3 seconds,and going through corn mazes. I think I have had my quoto:) Goodbye Haloween, I love you. See you next yea.

Hope YOU had a awesome Halloween. 

:)

fugly?

Baby Cakes what???

I heard that saying today. I chuckled like a freak for about 10 minutes, after hearing it. And the woman was wondering why I didn't try to cover up my laugh. But I tried! I tried really hard, then that grunt weird sound came out? you know that weird sound when you hold in your laugh. Okay. Yeah. 

Dear woman, I enjoyed you "Baby Cakes what?" Saying.

My blog has been so messed up. It hasn't let me log on for evEEEr. Because why? I "supposedly " didn't know my password. "Baby Cakes what???" I know my password blogger. Geta freaken life.

Whats new you may wonder. Welp. I am sicker then a dog. (Btw, who the heck made that saying up)I have the worst sinus infection/head cold ever. No exaggeration. So basically I sniffle, blow my noes, and sleep all day. It's the life. On the plus side I forced my self to go out and go shopping today. I bought some dang cute clothes if I have to brag. 

Since, I love to ramble and I really don't feel like organizing my paragraphs with different topics I will just combine. Bare with me.

I am considering being a rockstar punk diva....whatever for Halloween. Who knows how that will work out. I just want extremely long eye lashes.  And tons of colorful extensions. Yeah I am cool. I'm planning on going to the BYU Halloween  party and the Howel at Utah State.  Yeah. So basically, I will be traveling all over Utah, sick. I am kinda excited. Maybe just to see my friends? Maybe just to tease my hair like no other.bah.

On another note, guess who has gotton A's on all their math tests? Yeah me. goooo me. Aaaand guess who is going to Vegas with my  mommy and Julie. Yeah me. This week has treated me so good. I am so happy. Even though I am coughing to death.

Well.......

there is my life in a nutshell.

Ps. I need to find black flats, and they are all fugly. Yes, I said fugly.

Finally.

I'm in a good place.

I really am, and I am so thankful for it.

Soo thankful. 

I left all the bad behind.

The stress, the rumors, the conflicts. I left them for someone else to deal with. I left the hurt the pain, and the awful words that were said.

And it feels perfect.

The last couple of weeks have been coming together, and it gives me much hope. It doesn't make waiting pointless anymore. I now take day by day knowing that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel.

I am happy, and that has taken a while to become.

Happy day to all:)

"You have to take the good with the bad, smile with the sad, love what you got and remember what you had, always forgive, but never forget, learn from your mistakes, but never regret, people change, things go wrong, just remember…life goes on."

Updating.

I feel like whenever I sit down to blog. My mind goes from 1,235,999 topics to 0. How you ask? I don't know. My English teacher would problay say it is writers block.(Yeah, English Professor, I listened to you...)

Anything new in my life? Other then school... Well.. I supose, just a tad.

*I got a call saying my brother was in the Emergency room. Scared to death I drove to the hospital. Well.. Long story short he only had a ear infection, I guess those babies hurt?! Who would of thought a storng guy would think they were dying, all because of an ear infection.

* I hurt my eye..BAD. I was laying on the couch, and had a sheet over my face,( I do that when my face is cold haha okay? Don't judge) so my face is covered up. And my mom decided to poke my face to be funny I guess? But I don't know this mind you.. Well.. at the exact same time I lift my head up and her fingure goes right THROUGH MY EYE. Yeah you heard me. Well into the upper lid up, if that makes some gross sense. So needless to say I have a BLACK EYE, and a hundred blood vessels broken. Thank Goodness, I didn't go blind. My eye is throbbing, and looks like a total un-hott mess.

*I have lost 8lbs baby. Well... In the last 4 days! Yeah, I'm happy. Today was my cheat day, I may have splurged just a little because, my eye hurt and I needed mega comfort food. But so stinken what?

WELL, there you got some news.

"Boys? At WEber? Good luck honey, good luck."

Sooooo... college dating life. How is that going you ask? 

Lets chat about it...

Sooo, after several weeks at college I have come to a conclusion.

There are several guys at Weber.

1.Engaged Boys.

2.Boys that are about to leave on their mishion, so why date?

3.MARRIED BOYS.

4.Forign boys, that don't know English.

5. Crazy, Weird, Socially challenged Boys.

Nooo, seriously. I do not exaggerate when I talk about this. All guys at Weber fall into 5 categories above. Lets talk about only SOME (yes I mentioned some, since I have lists of awkward situations that has happened to me.) I will give a great example of why I think this for each classification;)

SITUATION #1: Well... Once upon a time I am walking to the HUB (Stupidest place on Campus mind you, man I hate it).. and some guy comes and asks if I need help finding some place, "Hm...man, I must look confused or something"<-- that was my thoughts haha. Well.. I said no... And then told him where I was going = BIG MISTAKE. So then he asks, what  I am doing Thursday night, and asked if I wanted to grab a bite to eat with him. I said possibly we exchanged numbers, and walked our separate ways. 2 days later, I saw him at the book store, "Thumbing through some books", I glanced from over the other shelf, and BOOOOOM. I SAW A RING ON THAT FINGER. Like seriously? I texted him asking if he was engaged, and he said yes but things weren't going well... Probably because he is a cheater cheater pumpkin LOSER. So that takes care of classification 1.

CLASSIFICATION #2 Now we are at the first day of school. I get paired with an attractive guy for one of these (get to know each other fun projects haha) Well... Long story short, we had 40 questions to think of learn, and memorize about each other. Then we would stand up and talk about each other mentioning those 40 questions, w/o asking your partner for hints. Well  myself, being brilliant thought "Lets do normal questions such as; Whats your favorite color? Favorite Animal? Middle name? ETC" Makes great since right? No. Not according to him!!! These were his questions. "How many baptisms for the dead do you think i will get on my mish? Where do you think I will get called? Who is my next friend returning home from their mish?" Okay no I am not even exaggerating. AT ALL. Don't get me wrong missions are important. I love returned missionaries, and I am all for that, BUT seriously? Please find the line and draw it! Soo, that takes care of Classification #2.

CLASSIFICATION:#3- This could of been the 3rd or so day of class. The setting Computer class. I am dumb with computers, All  I know how to do it blog, facebook, youtube, and that is it. SO I asked this married man to my right for help. Thinking he is married I am not into him, so sure, why not ask him a question. I won't get picked up on, and I can concentrate on this class, instead of who is checking me out. Well.. he offered to "tutor me on Computers", I kindly declined, thinking oh that was nice. Well.. Then he asks "is it because I just don't want to pay to learn about something I hate?" I responded by saying, "Well thats a part of it..." He then decided to carry it to the 12th level and say... Well, I won't charge if I worked with you, I mean what is better then stairing at a drop dead beautiful HOTTIE. The man is married mind you... oh my gosh... Never sat by that cheating freak again.

CLASSIFICATION#4: There is a looooot of non American people at Weber. Sorry for my racial slurs coming up btw. Now, I have NOTHING wrong with people from other countries. They amaze me, their style of clothing,culture and everything. But communication is major for a friendship yet alone of relationship. Well. Once upon a day, I was minding my own business when I was lightly taped on the shoulder. I turn around thinking its one of my friends that go there... I mean strangers don't really usually tap someones shoulder like that right? Well at least I thought so.. I turn around and he is an "indian arab race" <-- racial slure alert. I know. Okay so taken off guard I may have jumped a little. 50% because I didn't know him, and 50% because he was practically on me. My bubble bursted and flew to heaven, or even farther he was so close... He muttered in half english half I don't know what language something?          (FUN FACT:Well.. i have a huge talent of understanding people. Like I got the 2yr old talk mastered. the 3-10 year old children with speech problems figures out as well. I even mastered them New Yorkers accent's. The country accents. The hick accents. The ghetto talk, and the black crazy words they use. I mean it I got the "understanding people" down to  T.) So not understanding him, means he was sooo hard to understand and his english was a good 1%..Well after five minutes of me nervously laughing, and running my hands through my hair, and saying "whaaaat whaat, sorry what?" He then took out his phone and texted and it translated it I guess into English. He wrote..."you are a beautiful girly. What do you think of me?" Talk about blunt. Now I am in a dilemma, I want to be nice even though he invaded my bubble, and mind you had a weird smell about him.. All I could do was put my thumb up, feel like a loser and sprint off in a hurry... Yeah...weird. 

CLASSIFICATION #5: This is not meant to be bashing haha... Again I sat by this guy,in my math class now... We had to do another get together thing. So here I am trying to be friendly. He was the shy type I could tell. I am shy too when I don't know people. So I didn't think much of it. Well I would start asking him common questions, such as," What is your name?" Welll... after each question I would wait for a response. He would either say "Yeah about that" Or he would NOT SAY A THING, and just turn bright red. It was nuts. I am still recuperating, from trying to handle that situation...

SOO. As you can see I have had my fair share of guy issues at Weber. Honestly it gets to me. Why Weber? Why?Why? Every date I have been on since school has started either goes to UVU, U of U, or BYU? This brings me into issues. I mean, then maybe again  am weird, but oh well. Soo this is my thinking. So these poor guys I date, drives almost 2 hrs through traffic... Well, like 90 minutes I exaggerated a tad, to see me. I feel so awful the whole time. When I get home at 1 am. They drive hours home..How awful. Understand? I feel awful. Although, I am so happy they did, because I haven't had any of these weird issues with those boys.....YET... kk joking.

So there are my feelings, love them all you want haha...:)

there we go.

All this homework/ school work crap better pay off. 

After all this if I'm not a genius then.... i don't know but I what, but it ain't good.

WELP. There is my true feelings.

Mama mia, here I go again.

*Honestly I don't think I have ever felt like more of a fatty. I have eaten out every day this week, plus Guess how many times I exercised? None. Yeah None. I have to be in a SLUMP or something right? Yeah I don' know but tomorrow I'm starting up my, diet/exercise fun. Hoping that goes well, or at least decent.

*Tomorrow, I don't have school thank heavens. I look forward to my Thursdays now so much. I rearranged my classes finally so I can leave school early Friday, and not go at all Thursday. So with this big weekend this week, I'm beginning to want to leave Utah for a bit. Like leave at 12:00 on Friday and come home Monday night-ish? That sounds so amazing. Maybe a short trip to Vegas? Yeah. This I have to reality check myself. I went on vacation exactly a month ago from today. This was a shocker, I swear it has been longer. Like 4 months. That is crazy. It hasn't even been 2 weeks of school, but I am need of vacation. Not desperate need yet... just in need. From 1-10. I'm a 4-5. I'm sure my numbers will be going up day by day haha. School is draining. I have never been more exhausted in my life. I get an average of 2 hours of sleep every night. I regret being an "over-wannabe-smart-achiever" and signing up for 2 math classes, and a computer class, along with 3 other stressful classes,especially it being my first semester and all.... I feel as if my head is 1 cm above water, and I am dog paddling my butt off to stay alive. Although, I am mastering getting the hang of all this. Some how it has all worked out, and gone "semi-smoothly"...... Thanks to God watching over me FOR SURE.

*Well that has been my last couple days. Wake up. Get ready. (I never get up when I want to so my mornings always end up going like this: Rush out of bed, quickly shower, throw hair up, put un-matching clothes on, drive as fast as I can so I won't be late for 30 minutes, then walk miles to my first class.) At this point I am panting like a dog, and yawning. I'm sure I look pretty hot, non the less. I go to my fun filed classes, get even more stressed out, then walk miles back to my car, where I speed home, to start on the fun homework I have. At this point my eyes are completely shut, so I am forced to take a nap. Then I eat some fatty foods, and study,prepare for tests, or do homework all night, sleep for 2 hours, and the cycle continues. Man the life of a college girl is rough...hahaha. Mama mia.

Sleep.

Welcome to my "new" life.

Books.

Notes.

Diet. Dr Pepper.

and sadly,

my phone not attached to my hand....

Ohh College life, where do I begin? I remember people older then me going off to college, and they would tell me it is a whole different life style. I thought they just wanted to look cool. Uhm, boy was I wrong. I honestly feel like my life was flipped a thousand times around and here I am trying to conquer it. 

I have never in my life studied. I just figured, I'll get what I get. They require much more highschool credits in Missouri then they do in Utah so when I moved out here my junior year, I slacked more then ever. I went to 3 classes every other day my whole junior and senior year....BOY WAS THAT NICE. They were also super easy classes, which is much better.

  Now I attend class every day. I drive and drive and drive. Then I walk and walk and walk some more. I'm still trying to get the hang of it all, and balancing everything out. Although it has only been 4 days of this chaos, honestly I am doing quite well handling and embracing it all.

Babbling? I think yes.

Okay deep down I think I like college to the extent that I am forcing myself to go. I mean I know I have to get my 4  years in, so may as well try to enjoy it? I miss not worrying. I am constantly thinking about my school work. Nerdy much? I know.  All I do is read and read then write and look over notes, then do homework... and it never ends. Hours after hours. What I do like is the social life there. I mean I have been invited to do things, go to party's, or go on dates every single night this week. Sadly, that is where prioritizing comes in too play...

I made up my mind that yes school comes first, but that doesn't mean I can't have fun right? So Friday and Saturday=fun. School can just wait those nights. I'll probably be thinking about how much I should be studying while I'm out those nights...but at at I am out enjoying myself.

What also sucks majorly? Not having money. I go from working and getting paid quite well... To giving up my jobs....(seriously loved them) not getting any money... then buying my books, and all that other fun stuff. I don't even speak of shopping. I was asked to go shopping with some friends, and I had to say noo.....Sad day. Never rejected a shopping trip with my girls to Park City in my life. I guess thats all about growing up....Prioritizing and making decisions, welp. I don't like it. Ed of the story.

Thursdays I just have 1 class. Computer something or other. I HATE IT.I HATE IT. Soo much. So today is my"ease day" Hints to my blogging. I don't get homework in there it is all tests over the computer and what not, which I hate. I'm trying to drop that class but who knows. My friend's mom was sick (In Alabama.....don't know why I even mentioned that, probaley my lack of sleeep..) So she was in desperate need of a baby-sitter. Well... here is the ting she needed someone from 3:30 am, when she and her husband drove until 10:15. Well, me being the poor person I am, figured I'll do it. Then I will go to my one class. Then I will sleep. Yeah, I'm dead. I can't even sit up to blog. I felt so lame, taking this offer haha. Btw, Sophia is 14 months, and seriously America's next top model, she decided to stay up all night also. I'm dying. So even though I didn't even cover what I wanted too, I need to sleep or yes I will pass out, and this post will never be posted..

4 hours.

College is in 5 hours.

I wake up in 4 hours.

It has now hit me.

I am looking for my notebooks now to bring to school.

I am washing my clothes.

I wish I din't procrastinate...

I'm to busy to think about the whole "First day experience"

All I know is I want summer...

Reunited!

Good bye diet.

I used to HATE THIS. 

Good bye dear diet of mine. I will not miss you that much. I do appreciate how much you have helped me though. I am done dieting. Since school starts, and I will need to eat regular food, so I can have energy. I have never been so proud of myself in my life. I have accepted I won't look like no super model. I won't be a size 0. But I have accepted I look SO MUCH BETTER THEN I USED TOO, and I feel 100% better. Words can't describe how thankful I am for my family supporting me, and encouraging me. How thankful I am for my friends to accept me before I went on this "journey". Especially for my Heavenly Father, who gave me so much strength when I needed it most. A year ago if I would of told myself that with in a year I would loose 12 sizes, I would have died. I am overwhelmed with happiness and love, as I think about what self discipline I found, from within. 

Well, obviously I couldn't eat my favorite foods a lot with in this whole year, because I love junk. What is crazy is, since this diet, I have been craving the oddest foods. I know love Oat meal. The kind that is not cooked? Ew. I know. But it is so good to me know. I also craved orange popsicles, orange juice, and apple sauce. I used to hate all those foods before. As I blog I have poured a humungo glass of OJ and drinking it, and let me tell you I love this. The last time I tried Orange Juice was when I was like 8. Ew. Hated it then. Loved it now. I feel like a pregnant lady, having my weird cravings. All I'm saying is if you see my eat raw oatmeal, and drinking a huge glass of Orange Juice. Don't judge kk thanks.

KETCHUP.

Words can not begin to tell you my love for Ketchup. IT began since I was a baby.Ever since I could eat "regular food" I would just eat ketchup. I wouldn't eat any other food. Ketchup was my drink.(Ew. I know sounds gross). Ketchup was my meals, my snacks, everything. Well obviously that isn't the healthiest haha. So I was forced to eat all my foods in ketchup. I would eat broccoli with ketchup, mashed potatoes with ketchup, and especially with any meats. Well, this love for Ketchup has never gone away. I always need my Ketchup. I hate meat. I can some what tolerate it with pounds of ketchup lathered on top.This last year, I got rid of all the Ketchup and maby useed ketchup 3 times a month. On my splurge days. I have missed my Ketchup almost as much as I missed Chocolate. Today was the first time the whole summer I had ketchup, and omg I about died. As you can see I am loving Ketchup. I wonder if I will ever get sick of tis goodness. Doubt it.

Reunited with my KETCHUP.That's right.

Oh you know just bonding with my Ketchup, haha. Please do not notice my crazy bangs. It has looked liked this for about a week now. All of the sudden I woke up and my bangs went massively weird on me.

Haha. Random Ketchup Story for the day. Once upon a time I was on a date. I ordered a chicken sandwich and tator tots. Well.. I was picken on my food, and really couldn't eat it. Can you guess why? There was no Ketchup. I asked the waitress for some and she told me they were all out. Can you believe being all out of Ketchup???? No. Sooooo I didn't want to look stuck up, you know by not eating this wonderful food (if I had Ketchup mind you). So me being the polite girl I am haha, decided to try to force myself to eat it.  I really tried, but for the last 18 years, I have been putting ketchup on everything, so this time I couldn't get used to no Ketchup. ( Hope you loved that run on sentence as much as I did btw:)) Obviously, my date realized I was "forcing" myself to eat, and he knew something was up. I had to explain my awful addiction and love for Ketchup. Embarrassing... Well long story short, we boxed out food up. Went across the street to Mcdonalds, and I had unlimited Ketchup. I felt awful haha although  it was just another embarrassing moment of my life. Well there you have it. If you don't like your food, add ketchup and life will be great!

Ohh yeah, side note. I got all my books for school today. Yeah thats right.

the final days...

Welcome to my life..

This picture makes me think back at my summer. I swear every picture this summer, my mouth is wide open. Yes, I know not a total "attractive look", but it describes what an amazing time I was having. I'm now in the stage where I am going to make a conscience effort to be happy about this growing up faze. How long this will last you ask? I have noo idea. Hahah. 

Compliment for the day, "Ash you will make the best wife and mom ever!" Uhm, talk about soo nice?

This got me thinking. How stinken bad I want to find a good Prince Charming. It's crazy, because I never really scout out guys, I just always have thought he will just appear? Who knows. I'm hoping for that one though. Dear Prince Charming, I'm trying to wait for you patiently, but I ain't got patience, so please hurry. Sincerely, me.

I am oh so so so sleep deprived. My bags under my eyes have gone crazy haha! Last night 3 amazing friends left me for College, (this is just the start of my friends going off..ugh.) Even though they will be going 90 minutes away and 200 minutes away it will be crazy not driving to their house just to watch the Batchlor Pad, or our weekly shows. Today is such a busy day AGAIN. I'm beginning to hate running errands. 

My new backpack! I'm getting the pink one. Immature?Yes. I don't even care, I love that baby. Problem is, I have to order it and it won't be here for a month...Poor planning Ashley! Until I get it I will be A. Carrying the books on my head. B.Shoving those suckers in my purse. Who knows?

Shucks.

WARNING:

(Random Blabbin Blog Session.

Ready, Begin.)

I FOUND ME SOME JEANS BTW.

YES I DID!!!:)

My sleep schedule was so great! Well at least for me. I went to bed at 2:00am, and woke up at 11:00. But no. It lasted a good 3 days. I felt so rested. I am never rested. I am either complaining I have a headache, and that I am so exhausted, OR the extreme totally "punchy" and just out of it and crazy. But not those 3 days baby. I felt great. Blahhhh, I need to get more sleep. 

College. Is constantly on y mind. I litteretly am not excited. Okay wait I lied, I am kinda "curious" about the first week. But heck, my curiosity is going to fly away soon. I am just overwhelmed, we can say. Tomorrow I am going to be a big girl and go look at my classes all by myself. 

Embarrassing story of my "college life"...already...not a good sign.

Sooo yesterday, I head up to my big girl school, to find my classes.  So I am walking "pretending" I know where on earth I am going, when clearly I don't even know where I parked at. I find my 1st class, success. Then I head for my 2nd class, at this point I notice some random (decent looking ha ha) guy behind me. You know when you just not purposely look back, and see someone looking so you give yourself hip lash turning around? Well that what just took place there. I then year this yell that I dropped something, I turn around and see this chewed up dirty pen. (This clearly is not mine, since I have no pen on me, plus it was grossly gnawed on by a ravid beast or something?) So I look at it, and tell him, "Thanks, but it's not mine!".... We proceed to talk about how I am trying to find my classes... ya ya ya.. all that good stuff.  Okay so at this point, I am running late. I have to be somewhere in like 5 minutes. So I am texting at this point really fast trying not to be rude to this stranger, and text my friends saying I am running late. (While I was texting mind you....) This guy does the annual creative line...."Aye, we should go on a date or something, whats your number?"  But at this point I am now like 15 minutes late... So I am stressing.. and I have only found 1 class. So me being deaf, I think he says, "Do you know a good plumber?" bahah. So embarrassing I know? But just think plumber/ number? Kinda the same sounding words right???? So then, me not getting the hint of his shocked freaked out face, I continue by saying, "Uhm, sorry I never called a plumber before?" What the heck is wrong with me? Nooo idea, anymore. 

That is the embarrassing pose, that was going on during this hour.

Any way. Hopefully, this will be my only embarrassing situation this year, but unfortunately I know not. I have said good bye to 12 friends already going off to college somewhere other then where I am going. Depressing, yes. Can't type about this now, correct. This Saturday and Sunday, all my friends are leaving. Talk about a sad Ashley.

Happy note. 

Today was my amazing bro's birthday. He is a big 16! (I am too tired to do his "Happy Birrrfday, I love you ooober amount's blog tonight" so this will be soon.) Tomorrow I am continuing ad looking at my other classes. 

Ain't my thing.

You know what I HATE?

Jean shopping. 

I really don't even like wearing jeans. I wish I could wear sweat pants 24/7. I wish they made sweats that would make your thighs,legs, and booty look good. But no. Why do they have to look baggy, and bad??

Nooo idea. Did I mention they are so comfy. If I went to a blind school, I would wear them all the time. I guess that is why they invented "Jeggings". I thought that was the solution. So I went out and bought those baby's. I could do hand stands, and what ever else I wanted to do in them, BUUT then I looked in the mirror, and holy unattractiveness. I would rather wear sweats. I have been putting of jean shopping since Christmas of last year. Yes yes, I'm physco. My "original" plan was to do my jean shopping for school, in July. Well July went and now its like a week (okay maybe a week and a half but stiiiil) Before school starts. And I have no jeans,capris, or crops. Yea, I'm dreading tomorrow. We can say.

Tomorrow is the day. 

Shoot me.

I hate even talking about it. I have to wake up at 10! Earliest  I have woken up all summer, well other then the "all-nighters"(I NEED TO WORK ON MY SLEEP SCHEDULE BEFORE SCHOOL, SHOOT ME AGAIN). Any way I have from 10-3, to shop for the "perfect pants". That means traveling from one mall to the next, because I hate my mall. A toooon. 

Jeans are so complicated! I mean They have to fit my waist, with out like bulging your tummy out? I'm hoping that makes since. Then you have to have some that makes your butt, not look completely flat, or completely boooty-licious. Then they have to some how make people think I don't have thunder thighs. Then they can't b too long or too short. Also, they can't be to high on my waist, but yet not so short that you whole back is out. Lastly, they have to have buttoned pockets. And I only go for 2 brands, so that makes it so much harder. Ugh. I still can't comprehend I am waking up so early ugh haha. Oh and I have the weakest fingers, so my nails always break...(By the way I have grown an squared those suckers off, so I am very proud of my hott non-ridgety nails). I better find my jeans tomorrow. Then I can check that one off my busy awful check list:(

He knows.

"I don't know how I feel. I don't know whether I am hurting, or if I am happy it's over.

I just don't know..

My mind is turning. I keep on re-playing the good memories. Then I replay the awful ending..."

That was my depressing text for the week. We will just leave that subject alone. 

I have a thing for saving my texts, the re-reading them. So that is why it is there.

This week everything has been thrown at me. The only thing that brings me comfort is knowing that God, knows I can do this. That I can handle it all. That he is there for me. I know I learned all this when I was 3. But sometimes, it just hits me so hard. It's funny. When I blog, things I never thought of just hits me.This happens to be one.

I have never been challenged with the problem of trying hard to forgive people. It came so easy for me for the most part, because I know it will bring me closure. But recently, I have had such a hard time forgiving people. Mabey because I don't want "closure", I just want to leave the matter alone. This week I have been tested tested and tested again. One of my best friends, got in a car wreck today. Do to drugs/alcohol. The first thing that hits me is, "yesterday she told me she stopped" I was so upset with her. She doesn't realize this isn't just fun and games. I have to learn I can't control any one but myself. I have been tested with people that hurt me. They want back in my life. I have shut them out, and blocked everything out. I have to some how learn to forgive them. But learn that doesn't mean I have to have "closure" and be happy with it all. That is hard for me also. No one really understands what I am going through, because I have been the "laugh it off type" you know? So I just fake it all a.o.k. It usually is, except for things hit me all together, like today. 

Overwhelmed?YES.

The thing that keeps me moving strong is knowing God is listening to my silent prayers in my heart. He knows what I a going through. He knew how I would handle my best friend being in a severe accident. He knows all this. This will one day make me stronger. Until then faith is the one thing I have to hold unto. 

Back in the day when I was 11. haha ( I felt super cool and old saying that.)

I had a lot hit me, like today. But I did not know how to handle it all like today. I then took a break from writing about my "crush" in my journal, and wrote about the problems that was going on. I some how became creative, and wrote a poem. (I seriously am never creative, but I guess I was that minute)haha. Well, ever since that day I guess I memorized it. Every time I hear bad news. Every time, I cry. Every time I feel overwhelmed. Every time, I just want to yell because I think no one understands, I hear the poem I wrote.

Here it is.

I know God loves me.

Because I can see.

I know he is there.

For you and me.

I know he is listens when I speak.

He knows when my life is good or bad.

He is there for me happy and sad.

He protects me and guides me every day.

He wants to hear what I have to say.

He believes in me with all his heart.

He knows my plan more then I.

If only I just believe, and give it time...

I know he is there, and rooting for me everywhere, I go.

I believe all this, because I know.

Colds, are just for winter right?

Amen Sista. I get how your feeling..

             Well. I knew it was coming, it always hits me every summer. That darn summer cold, that I dread so much! The last day of Vegas, I knew it was coming on.. But at least I wasn't sick the trip right? The last 3 days, I feel like the definition of a bum. Thank goodness for my amazing friends, that act like they don't even notice I'm participating in the "bum-ley actions" haha. When your head hurts and your whole face just aches, and your tired all the time, do you feel like looking like a million bucks? Nooo. And if you do, I'm jealous. I can barely force myself to throw my hair into the biggest scraggly bun, that your eyes have ever seen.

I am so sick of looking like a homeless animal,(I have been sponsoring this hott look since Sunday) So tomorrow, I am curling my hair, and wearing make up. I don't even care if I am just going to get gas, I need to do this for myself. haha. That is right. Hopefully, my "summer sickness" will find another girl to attack, because I have had my share of this baby. xoxo

Call me unrealistic, all your heart desires. But colds are only for winter. Not summer.

Uh.

They say talking about how you feel makes you feel better. I sure hope that works..

Drugs have impacted my life so much. At least once in your life you probably have written about drugs, addiction, and all that jazz. When I was little, and that DARE officer came in and talked to you about the sick affects, and showed me the picture of the dirty black human lungs, of the poor teenager that did meth.. I always figured, I won't know anyone like that. I will only be friends with people that were "good". Well as I grew up, my friends would start experimenting... Long story short. I can not tell you one friend back in Missouri that isn't cracked out every night. The truth is I love them. The truth is I am scared for them. The truth is, I know I have forced my self to drift away, just so I won't get hurt. The truth is I have been to 5 of my friends funerals, involving in drugs. It hurt. you can't live in the past, so I moved on. The present is here, and my best friend has gotten "re-hooked"...It tears me up, so much.

Dear Best friend, 

We have known each other for 18 years. We would talk about how dumb drugs were. Then you tried it, you got addicted. You gave up family, and friends, just so you could shoot up. You lied so you could smoke. You stole so you can snort. You have betrayed me time and time again. It hurts. You have gone to Rehab numerous times, I pray you beat the addiction. I pray so much for that. Somehow, you never learn.. You always run back to what you think is your true love. I pray you will be happy like you once were, I pray you seek something other then what hurts you most. I hope one day you can be normal. I wish you were happy without dealing. I wish you could be their for me when I needed you. It is so hard to call you in tears and you answer the phone so drunk, every night. It is so hard when  I get voicemails, of you babbling on and on because the meth is turning you crazy. It is so hard hearing your friends call me and tell me how bad off you are. It is so hard to have a best friend, that cares more about where the next dealer is, then our friendship. I love you. I want the best for you. Hopefully one day you will realize, you can live life, with out relying on drugs. I pray you figure it all out before it is too late.

Your cousin/ best friend,

Ashley. xox.

I found this poem a while back that ripped my heart. enjoy.

 Have you ever been tempted?
Have you ever wanted to try?
The things I will say
May cause you to cry.

The things that can happen
If you ever take a drug,
You’ll always be tired
You’ll be slow as a slug.

There are so many illnesses 
sure to be caught,
Your lungs, 
Your heart and
Your brain Will rot.

If you ever take drugs
You will never turn back,
Health,
Wealth and 
Looks you surly will lack.

You will be trapped forever
under the spell,
Of Cocaine, Marijuana 
And others to tell.

Take a single drug
you’ll only want more,
Temptations, temptations
Coming straight through the door.


If you avoid taking drugs
Fame and riches you could get,
But if your not convinced
not a single need would be met.

They’ll run you out of town
They wont want you back,
The only place you can live
Is a small, rundown shack.

If you are still taking drugs
I know you’re a fool,
Back then they were popular
Now there not cool.

Experiment,
Interest,
Or any other reason
You consuming drugs
Is worse than even treason.

But If still your not convinced
I don’t know what else to say,
Just that drugs can conquer
The life you live today.