Truth.

The Truth..

The truth is so hard for me to accept. It's always been a huge struggle for me. When I was little and heard "the truth" that I didn't want to hear, I would just pretend it wasn't true. To this day..the truth is still extremely hard for me to hear, face, and especially admit. I was talking to a friend about how stressful this summer has been and something came up about how I struggle admitting the truth...She told me that in her journal, she writes down the "truths" she keeps inside, that she doesn't want to admit.

Lately, as I have been mentally keeping track of the "truths" I don't want to admit.. I have come to a conclusion that one of the "truths" that I struggle with is caring..

I seriously care so much for people. Whether I know you a whole lot, or if I hardly know you. But now, were just focusing on the people close to me. When you need something. I try 100% to help you. Sometimes, I feel as if it's not a two way street...and for years I  have tried to pretend that's not the "truth". Tonight, I realized that is the truth. So to all my fellow bloggers..what do you do in that case? Do you keep caring? Do you stop caring?Care less? Accept it's a one way street for the most part? I just don't get it.

Words can hurt.

"Sticks and Stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me"

FALSE.

Words always seems to affect me the worst. When I was younger and used to get picked on, there was this "feeling" I would always get. I'm not sure how to describe it, other then painful. I would feel hurt/betrayed/unwanted/uncool/helpless, and basically just felt like a loser. I would go into this "stage" where all the hurtful words would come shooting in my ears, thats all I could hear, and that's all I could think about...Years of this "bullying"/"verbal abuse" went on until l I finally removed myself from it all.  The Summer when I lost weight, gained confidence, and tried to get closure from my "painful past" was a great summer. Since that Summer, yes people have said hurtful words to me. But, nothing compared to the amount and strength of the hurtful words I have heard before..

This is the crazy part...About a week or 2 ago, by accident I clicked on a picture. It was of me, I couldn't believe why on earth this girl who I didn't know had a picture of me? Underneath the picture was comments and comments of mean,hatred,degrading,awful, and hateful words. I honestly was in shock. I could not stop scrolling farther and farther down reading these nasty comments. At that very moment, as I was bawling like a baby...I felt that same feeling as I did years ago. It was devastating.

What bothered me the most was that these girls didn't even know me. They didn't know"my story". They don't know what I deal with. They don't know all the trials that I have been through. All they knew was my name is Ashley. Those girls didn't know I have spent years working my butt off to be healthy and fit. Instead they decided to just call me "fat". As I saw other pictures getting uploaded, of when I had surgery.. and reading their comments about the surgery "they thought I had", when the truth was I was scared out of my mind praying that the results would not show up cancerous.

What I am trying to say is this: Girls have a strong tendency to judge others. That is the way we make friends. We put others down, so we can look better. We lie about others, so we can seem to be better. We agree to comments about others we may not believe, so others will like us. We all want to be liked, so possibly putting others down will help our dreams come true? No. I know what it feels like to be bullied by vicious girls. 19 years of hearing comments, it does not get easier or better. You can't get used to the mean comments, you just can't. I hope and pray with all my heart those girls who made fun of me last week, just stop. I hope karma doesn't turn around on them. No one deserves to feel the pain and insecurities bullying causes on a person. If you make fun of others to make yourself look better, I have pity on you. What kind of person are you trying to gain friends, while shattering other innocent girls' hearts? Next time, you think about making fun of someone, think about how much you know about them. Think about the reasons why that girl may look/act/ or do the things she does.

http://youtu.be/O1-4u9W-bns?hd=

4th of July.

(These were the huge poles we hammered into the ground.
 haha. Such a joke.)

(35 flags and 3 hours later we were done! Finally! )

I feel like I probably should blog about the 4th..Since it's a holiday and all! Well the 3rd at like 3am...(technically the beginning of the 4th) my friend arrived home after 6 months! He was in China, teaching kids English and exploring the land. So I was up all night visiting with him! It was so fun! We looked at pictures, talked about life, laughed our faces off and caught up on the last 6 months. Time flew by, and it was suddenly 6am. Well... my brother was in charge of putting up flags throughout the neighborhood for our church and needed help. So we carried huge flags, and made total fools out of ourselves hammering 6 foot flags into the ground (Seriously, it was hard...especially we were all clueless and a tad delusional). Then Josh and I went on a little "4th of July drive" checked out the parade before it started haha, and listened to country patriotic songs. I finally went to sleep for the night at like noon.

       ...

I slept practically the whole day... and woke up to my neighbors shooting super loud fireworks. In Utah, people are alowed to shoot fireworks in NEIGHBORHOODS! I still can't believe it. I don't understand for the life of me how this is safe, or legal? But that is to be discussed later..:) So I sat on my porch swing like a total freak enjoying fireworks almost burn my house down. Literately.

By the way my dogs, are the most "un-4th of July dogs" EVER. They HATE hearing fireworks, especially above our house.

My grandparents got into the spirit,
 and went dancing and all around town looking like this haha.
Their the cutest.

                                                                  ...

When Mitch got off work, we hung out like we always do. We watched fireworks in NYC on Tv, for like 25 minutes, and "pretended" they were real...and layed on the ground 2 inches away from my movie screen. Then we became super patriotic and dressed up and took pictures. Doesn't he look great? He is seriously such a trooper, we took tons of cheesy pictures. I'm so grateful that he puts up with me and my strange picture taking ways.

All in all, I had a great 4th of July. I'm so glad I live in the USA, where I can worship God, where I have freedom of religion, speech, and all the other freedoms we take advantage of. I'm also so thankful for all the many people fighting so I can have freedom. How selfless is that? Risking your own life so others can have freedom? I find that simply amazing. 

Happy 4th Ya'll.

Time for an update? Yes.

It's been a whole stinken month since I blogged! And honestly I feel like so much has happened I don't even have a clue where to begin!?
Sooo, I remember right when my summer started, all I could think about was how boring-not entertaining at all, my summer would be! (I actually was kinda excited, to sleep all the time, worry about nothing, and do nothing-motivated? I know.)  
Then everything changed... Everything started just popping into my life, one after another. So whats been going on?

Event #1: Well, a BIG THING is we all took a cute FamBam Vacation. A couple months ago, my cousin and I were planning on going on a vacation, but situations happened, and it all feel through. I was upset. Soo I was pretty darn excited about this.  My mom, bro, grandparents, and uncle flew to NYC. Went on a 9 day cruise, visited Hati, Bermuda, St. Maartin, and Puerto Rico, then spent a couple days exploring NYC, then flew to Utah, and I laid in my bed from exhaustion for like 3 days straight. It was great. Loved that vacation minus a couple situations! It was so good to be home and see my adorable Allie, and sleep in my own ben. (I have so much to say about this vacation, but well blog about all this interesting vacation stuff later!)

Event #2: Guess whose birthday was this month? Thats Riight. ME!! I am officially 19. It feels so crazy to me. I don't know if I feel older? If I feel younger? Or if I feel 19? Can I feel a little of all 3? If so..thats exactly how I feel.  I feel like I had to learn how to grow up a tooon this last year..Even though I lived at home, the trials that I had to learn to overcome...has strengthened/matured me in ways that have been crazy to look back and see. Although, somedays I feel like I'm a little girl. I want to just play with friends, draw pictures, pick on my brother, and cry when I don't get my way..;) It's insane, for me to think next year I'll be 20. This is my last year being a "teenager". Cheers to my last "teen year."

-I was in NYC airport all day for my birthday! Exciting, I know. It was the day we were flying back home. But I can't complain. Every place we went, my family TRIED to embarrass me and make the people sing happy birthday to me. Everyone was so cooperative also , literately every place we went...I heard that song. It was actually pretty ridiculous haha, I got sung to in 2 airports, 2 airplanes, 2 taxis, in a subway, and train thing.  When I got home, it was like 1-ish am, and I was exhausted. Like literately I thought everything was hilarious-exhausted. I went to go say hi to Mitch, (Missed this funny guy a lot let me tell ya) and he surprised me with freaken amazing presents. Like seriously, my presents for his birthday didn't even compare. I'm luuucky..(Btw. I Suck at getting presents, especially for guys) We talked for a bit, and I went home and didn't get out of my bed for days. so that includes my actual birthday DAY bash, other then all these presents my friends dropped by my house like the whole week. I have a great family, friends, and boyfriend, to say the least. Seriously, so blessed.

Event #3: Well it's been 3 years! 3 years since I got the news we were moving to Utah. I have kept a journal of my life for a while now, and looking back 3 years ago at what I wrote...was rather hard for me. "I'm scared. What if no one accepts me. I'm going to miss Julie, a lot. This feels like home, but I know it's where I need to go." I wrote that 3 years ago...3 years ago, I was scared of this move. 2 years ago, I didn't like it out hear, and even last year I didn't necessarily liiiiiike the whole concept of it. This year I feel like Utah is home. I even find myself, calling it home. Missouri will always be where I grew up, where I learned to fight for what I wanted, where I was taught so many lessons I would not have learned any where else, but Utah is my home.. for now. It's crazy how my testimony of life in general has grown so much through this move. The last 3 years have been the craziest- hardest years of my life. It seems like, when we moved to Utah, trials just kept coming my way. Even though, there are plenty of days I act like a bi-polar person, crying because I am so sick of all these trials, feeling sorry for my self because I miss Missouri, I know Utah is the place I needed- and need to be right now. I know my family, and I did the right thing my coming out here, and that is overwhelmingly comforting.


Event #4:Well, my birthday was on Fathers Day this year again. I don't particularly like that, just for the fact I get a tiny bit sad every Fathers Day for numerous reasons, and I wanted to be happy for my birthday. Fortunately my birthday was great. So Obviously, for Father Day-"my birthday;)" we were in the airport all day, so we didn't do anything too excitingly special. Uhm, can I just say how awesome my grandpa is? Seriously, I can not talk more highly about someone, then him. My grandpa is not only my grandpa, he plays the dad role in my life, which I am forever grateful for. That man hardly every gets mad, and when he does.. he is just trying to help you. My grandpa has helped my mom/brother/ and me out so much. He is also absolutely hilarious also. I love you so much Gramps:)
-Not having my real dad in my life, has always been a struggle for me. It never really has gotten easy, and I never really have gotten "used to it". This is the first year, I didn't send him a "Happy Fathers Day" Text. I'm not too sure how I feel about that decision yet. I remember when I was little, I could never go to church the week when Fathers Day was because it killed me hearing what I missed out on. I so badly, wanted-want everything to work out with my Dad, but I can't make someone do something they don't want to do. So now, managing to look on the bright side of my whole situation with my dad...it has really taught me a lot & even though I wouldn't wish not having a dad on anyone, I am grateful for the things I have learned. I have learned what I want in a husband, I think that is the most important. I want my kids to have a dad active in their lives, and there for them. I'm not sure if my feelings would be so strong about those specifics, if this trial wasn't placed in my life.  So until then! I'm grateful to have a Heavenly Father, and an amazing Grandpa in my life. Shout out to all the amazing dads out there. Happy Fathers Day!


Event #5:I'm going back to my "old home". Hellooooe Missouri. In less then a month, I'm going back to my old city, my old state, my old neighborhood. Honestly, I wasn't even excited when I decided I would join my family and go back home, for a lot of reasons. So I am trying to make the most out of all this at the moment.  It will be good to eat at all my favorite restaurants, see my family&especially my great grandpa, see old friends, and go to my old church. Hopefully everything goes smoothly. Fingers doubled crossed.


Event #6:Going on vacation for 2 weeks+ 2 weeks home"eating junk food non stop", I decided has got to stop. I decided I want to loose more weight. I am getting closer and closer to my personal goal weight. Today is Day#2 of my diet, and even though I want some chocolate and pizza right now, I'm kinda excited beyond belief to reach my goal...Wish me luck.

Event #7: Well, I've had "health" well call it problems, in the past...and the doctors thought they knew what was wrong with me...so I had to go do that fun surgery in December.. Well sadly, a couple weeks before my cruise, I was not feeling so good, so I knew something was up. I went to a couple doctors, and they scheduled me for all these test-blood drawn- and x-rays. Well since I left on vacation, the soonest they could get me back in was this upcoming Friday. I am so scared and nervous, but yet I want to know whats up, and why I feel awful like 23 hours a day. Its crazy to me how good I felt a couple weeks after my surgery, and now I constantly never feel good like I used too. Hopefully, everything will be okay, and soon I will feel 100% like I used too

Event#8:I know I blogged about this before... but it's crazy how everyone is moving forward with their lives. Several of my friends got engaged this month, got married, and even got pregnant recently. Congrats to all my amazing friends!! Oh yeah my cool friend Josh comes home from China July 3rd. I'm excited.:)

So as of now, I have been just living a little peaceful life for the last week or so. I really have a boring life these last couple weeks, and soon to be the next couple weeks, and I am so excited about that. Wanna know my schedule? I sleep in "hopefully no one wakes me" which is so nice by the way,  I unpack-clean-laundy(all that fun stuff), lay out, check facebook-twitter-pinterest-blog,etc. Shower.Talk-see friends. Then see Mitch, and watch reality shows-poor guy(going on 15 days straight) until super abnormal hours. Then sleep. And Redo it all. I occasionally go to Lagoon, like once a week. Plus yesterday I TOTALLY went out off my comfort zone, and watched Mitch play in some tournament, and met his fam/friends.(Totally proud moment here) He is such a baller btw. They got 1st! Go Mitch! So thats about all of my boring little life now.. Ohh yeah and now I gotta fit running in there now and dieting. Yay......:) 


PS. Jef on the Bachelorette better win.