Mama mia, here I go again.

*Honestly I don't think I have ever felt like more of a fatty. I have eaten out every day this week, plus Guess how many times I exercised? None. Yeah None. I have to be in a SLUMP or something right? Yeah I don' know but tomorrow I'm starting up my, diet/exercise fun. Hoping that goes well, or at least decent.

*Tomorrow, I don't have school thank heavens. I look forward to my Thursdays now so much. I rearranged my classes finally so I can leave school early Friday, and not go at all Thursday. So with this big weekend this week, I'm beginning to want to leave Utah for a bit. Like leave at 12:00 on Friday and come home Monday night-ish? That sounds so amazing. Maybe a short trip to Vegas? Yeah. This I have to reality check myself. I went on vacation exactly a month ago from today. This was a shocker, I swear it has been longer. Like 4 months. That is crazy. It hasn't even been 2 weeks of school, but I am need of vacation. Not desperate need yet... just in need. From 1-10. I'm a 4-5. I'm sure my numbers will be going up day by day haha. School is draining. I have never been more exhausted in my life. I get an average of 2 hours of sleep every night. I regret being an "over-wannabe-smart-achiever" and signing up for 2 math classes, and a computer class, along with 3 other stressful classes,especially it being my first semester and all.... I feel as if my head is 1 cm above water, and I am dog paddling my butt off to stay alive. Although, I am mastering getting the hang of all this. Some how it has all worked out, and gone "semi-smoothly"...... Thanks to God watching over me FOR SURE.

*Well that has been my last couple days. Wake up. Get ready. (I never get up when I want to so my mornings always end up going like this: Rush out of bed, quickly shower, throw hair up, put un-matching clothes on, drive as fast as I can so I won't be late for 30 minutes, then walk miles to my first class.) At this point I am panting like a dog, and yawning. I'm sure I look pretty hot, non the less. I go to my fun filed classes, get even more stressed out, then walk miles back to my car, where I speed home, to start on the fun homework I have. At this point my eyes are completely shut, so I am forced to take a nap. Then I eat some fatty foods, and study,prepare for tests, or do homework all night, sleep for 2 hours, and the cycle continues. Man the life of a college girl is rough...hahaha. Mama mia.

Sleep.

Welcome to my "new" life.

Books.

Notes.

Diet. Dr Pepper.

and sadly,

my phone not attached to my hand....

Ohh College life, where do I begin? I remember people older then me going off to college, and they would tell me it is a whole different life style. I thought they just wanted to look cool. Uhm, boy was I wrong. I honestly feel like my life was flipped a thousand times around and here I am trying to conquer it. 

I have never in my life studied. I just figured, I'll get what I get. They require much more highschool credits in Missouri then they do in Utah so when I moved out here my junior year, I slacked more then ever. I went to 3 classes every other day my whole junior and senior year....BOY WAS THAT NICE. They were also super easy classes, which is much better.

  Now I attend class every day. I drive and drive and drive. Then I walk and walk and walk some more. I'm still trying to get the hang of it all, and balancing everything out. Although it has only been 4 days of this chaos, honestly I am doing quite well handling and embracing it all.

Babbling? I think yes.

Okay deep down I think I like college to the extent that I am forcing myself to go. I mean I know I have to get my 4  years in, so may as well try to enjoy it? I miss not worrying. I am constantly thinking about my school work. Nerdy much? I know.  All I do is read and read then write and look over notes, then do homework... and it never ends. Hours after hours. What I do like is the social life there. I mean I have been invited to do things, go to party's, or go on dates every single night this week. Sadly, that is where prioritizing comes in too play...

I made up my mind that yes school comes first, but that doesn't mean I can't have fun right? So Friday and Saturday=fun. School can just wait those nights. I'll probably be thinking about how much I should be studying while I'm out those nights...but at at I am out enjoying myself.

What also sucks majorly? Not having money. I go from working and getting paid quite well... To giving up my jobs....(seriously loved them) not getting any money... then buying my books, and all that other fun stuff. I don't even speak of shopping. I was asked to go shopping with some friends, and I had to say noo.....Sad day. Never rejected a shopping trip with my girls to Park City in my life. I guess thats all about growing up....Prioritizing and making decisions, welp. I don't like it. Ed of the story.

Thursdays I just have 1 class. Computer something or other. I HATE IT.I HATE IT. Soo much. So today is my"ease day" Hints to my blogging. I don't get homework in there it is all tests over the computer and what not, which I hate. I'm trying to drop that class but who knows. My friend's mom was sick (In Alabama.....don't know why I even mentioned that, probaley my lack of sleeep..) So she was in desperate need of a baby-sitter. Well... here is the ting she needed someone from 3:30 am, when she and her husband drove until 10:15. Well, me being the poor person I am, figured I'll do it. Then I will go to my one class. Then I will sleep. Yeah, I'm dead. I can't even sit up to blog. I felt so lame, taking this offer haha. Btw, Sophia is 14 months, and seriously America's next top model, she decided to stay up all night also. I'm dying. So even though I didn't even cover what I wanted too, I need to sleep or yes I will pass out, and this post will never be posted..

4 hours.

College is in 5 hours.

I wake up in 4 hours.

It has now hit me.

I am looking for my notebooks now to bring to school.

I am washing my clothes.

I wish I din't procrastinate...

I'm to busy to think about the whole "First day experience"

All I know is I want summer...

Reunited!

Good bye diet.

I used to HATE THIS. 

Good bye dear diet of mine. I will not miss you that much. I do appreciate how much you have helped me though. I am done dieting. Since school starts, and I will need to eat regular food, so I can have energy. I have never been so proud of myself in my life. I have accepted I won't look like no super model. I won't be a size 0. But I have accepted I look SO MUCH BETTER THEN I USED TOO, and I feel 100% better. Words can't describe how thankful I am for my family supporting me, and encouraging me. How thankful I am for my friends to accept me before I went on this "journey". Especially for my Heavenly Father, who gave me so much strength when I needed it most. A year ago if I would of told myself that with in a year I would loose 12 sizes, I would have died. I am overwhelmed with happiness and love, as I think about what self discipline I found, from within. 

Well, obviously I couldn't eat my favorite foods a lot with in this whole year, because I love junk. What is crazy is, since this diet, I have been craving the oddest foods. I know love Oat meal. The kind that is not cooked? Ew. I know. But it is so good to me know. I also craved orange popsicles, orange juice, and apple sauce. I used to hate all those foods before. As I blog I have poured a humungo glass of OJ and drinking it, and let me tell you I love this. The last time I tried Orange Juice was when I was like 8. Ew. Hated it then. Loved it now. I feel like a pregnant lady, having my weird cravings. All I'm saying is if you see my eat raw oatmeal, and drinking a huge glass of Orange Juice. Don't judge kk thanks.

KETCHUP.

Words can not begin to tell you my love for Ketchup. IT began since I was a baby.Ever since I could eat "regular food" I would just eat ketchup. I wouldn't eat any other food. Ketchup was my drink.(Ew. I know sounds gross). Ketchup was my meals, my snacks, everything. Well obviously that isn't the healthiest haha. So I was forced to eat all my foods in ketchup. I would eat broccoli with ketchup, mashed potatoes with ketchup, and especially with any meats. Well, this love for Ketchup has never gone away. I always need my Ketchup. I hate meat. I can some what tolerate it with pounds of ketchup lathered on top.This last year, I got rid of all the Ketchup and maby useed ketchup 3 times a month. On my splurge days. I have missed my Ketchup almost as much as I missed Chocolate. Today was the first time the whole summer I had ketchup, and omg I about died. As you can see I am loving Ketchup. I wonder if I will ever get sick of tis goodness. Doubt it.

Reunited with my KETCHUP.That's right.

Oh you know just bonding with my Ketchup, haha. Please do not notice my crazy bangs. It has looked liked this for about a week now. All of the sudden I woke up and my bangs went massively weird on me.

Haha. Random Ketchup Story for the day. Once upon a time I was on a date. I ordered a chicken sandwich and tator tots. Well.. I was picken on my food, and really couldn't eat it. Can you guess why? There was no Ketchup. I asked the waitress for some and she told me they were all out. Can you believe being all out of Ketchup???? No. Sooooo I didn't want to look stuck up, you know by not eating this wonderful food (if I had Ketchup mind you). So me being the polite girl I am haha, decided to try to force myself to eat it.  I really tried, but for the last 18 years, I have been putting ketchup on everything, so this time I couldn't get used to no Ketchup. ( Hope you loved that run on sentence as much as I did btw:)) Obviously, my date realized I was "forcing" myself to eat, and he knew something was up. I had to explain my awful addiction and love for Ketchup. Embarrassing... Well long story short, we boxed out food up. Went across the street to Mcdonalds, and I had unlimited Ketchup. I felt awful haha although  it was just another embarrassing moment of my life. Well there you have it. If you don't like your food, add ketchup and life will be great!

Ohh yeah, side note. I got all my books for school today. Yeah thats right.

the final days...

Welcome to my life..

This picture makes me think back at my summer. I swear every picture this summer, my mouth is wide open. Yes, I know not a total "attractive look", but it describes what an amazing time I was having. I'm now in the stage where I am going to make a conscience effort to be happy about this growing up faze. How long this will last you ask? I have noo idea. Hahah. 

Compliment for the day, "Ash you will make the best wife and mom ever!" Uhm, talk about soo nice?

This got me thinking. How stinken bad I want to find a good Prince Charming. It's crazy, because I never really scout out guys, I just always have thought he will just appear? Who knows. I'm hoping for that one though. Dear Prince Charming, I'm trying to wait for you patiently, but I ain't got patience, so please hurry. Sincerely, me.

I am oh so so so sleep deprived. My bags under my eyes have gone crazy haha! Last night 3 amazing friends left me for College, (this is just the start of my friends going off..ugh.) Even though they will be going 90 minutes away and 200 minutes away it will be crazy not driving to their house just to watch the Batchlor Pad, or our weekly shows. Today is such a busy day AGAIN. I'm beginning to hate running errands. 

My new backpack! I'm getting the pink one. Immature?Yes. I don't even care, I love that baby. Problem is, I have to order it and it won't be here for a month...Poor planning Ashley! Until I get it I will be A. Carrying the books on my head. B.Shoving those suckers in my purse. Who knows?

Shucks.

WARNING:

(Random Blabbin Blog Session.

Ready, Begin.)

I FOUND ME SOME JEANS BTW.

YES I DID!!!:)

My sleep schedule was so great! Well at least for me. I went to bed at 2:00am, and woke up at 11:00. But no. It lasted a good 3 days. I felt so rested. I am never rested. I am either complaining I have a headache, and that I am so exhausted, OR the extreme totally "punchy" and just out of it and crazy. But not those 3 days baby. I felt great. Blahhhh, I need to get more sleep. 

College. Is constantly on y mind. I litteretly am not excited. Okay wait I lied, I am kinda "curious" about the first week. But heck, my curiosity is going to fly away soon. I am just overwhelmed, we can say. Tomorrow I am going to be a big girl and go look at my classes all by myself. 

Embarrassing story of my "college life"...already...not a good sign.

Sooo yesterday, I head up to my big girl school, to find my classes.  So I am walking "pretending" I know where on earth I am going, when clearly I don't even know where I parked at. I find my 1st class, success. Then I head for my 2nd class, at this point I notice some random (decent looking ha ha) guy behind me. You know when you just not purposely look back, and see someone looking so you give yourself hip lash turning around? Well that what just took place there. I then year this yell that I dropped something, I turn around and see this chewed up dirty pen. (This clearly is not mine, since I have no pen on me, plus it was grossly gnawed on by a ravid beast or something?) So I look at it, and tell him, "Thanks, but it's not mine!".... We proceed to talk about how I am trying to find my classes... ya ya ya.. all that good stuff.  Okay so at this point, I am running late. I have to be somewhere in like 5 minutes. So I am texting at this point really fast trying not to be rude to this stranger, and text my friends saying I am running late. (While I was texting mind you....) This guy does the annual creative line...."Aye, we should go on a date or something, whats your number?"  But at this point I am now like 15 minutes late... So I am stressing.. and I have only found 1 class. So me being deaf, I think he says, "Do you know a good plumber?" bahah. So embarrassing I know? But just think plumber/ number? Kinda the same sounding words right???? So then, me not getting the hint of his shocked freaked out face, I continue by saying, "Uhm, sorry I never called a plumber before?" What the heck is wrong with me? Nooo idea, anymore. 

That is the embarrassing pose, that was going on during this hour.

Any way. Hopefully, this will be my only embarrassing situation this year, but unfortunately I know not. I have said good bye to 12 friends already going off to college somewhere other then where I am going. Depressing, yes. Can't type about this now, correct. This Saturday and Sunday, all my friends are leaving. Talk about a sad Ashley.

Happy note. 

Today was my amazing bro's birthday. He is a big 16! (I am too tired to do his "Happy Birrrfday, I love you ooober amount's blog tonight" so this will be soon.) Tomorrow I am continuing ad looking at my other classes. 

Ain't my thing.

You know what I HATE?

Jean shopping. 

I really don't even like wearing jeans. I wish I could wear sweat pants 24/7. I wish they made sweats that would make your thighs,legs, and booty look good. But no. Why do they have to look baggy, and bad??

Nooo idea. Did I mention they are so comfy. If I went to a blind school, I would wear them all the time. I guess that is why they invented "Jeggings". I thought that was the solution. So I went out and bought those baby's. I could do hand stands, and what ever else I wanted to do in them, BUUT then I looked in the mirror, and holy unattractiveness. I would rather wear sweats. I have been putting of jean shopping since Christmas of last year. Yes yes, I'm physco. My "original" plan was to do my jean shopping for school, in July. Well July went and now its like a week (okay maybe a week and a half but stiiiil) Before school starts. And I have no jeans,capris, or crops. Yea, I'm dreading tomorrow. We can say.

Tomorrow is the day. 

Shoot me.

I hate even talking about it. I have to wake up at 10! Earliest  I have woken up all summer, well other then the "all-nighters"(I NEED TO WORK ON MY SLEEP SCHEDULE BEFORE SCHOOL, SHOOT ME AGAIN). Any way I have from 10-3, to shop for the "perfect pants". That means traveling from one mall to the next, because I hate my mall. A toooon. 

Jeans are so complicated! I mean They have to fit my waist, with out like bulging your tummy out? I'm hoping that makes since. Then you have to have some that makes your butt, not look completely flat, or completely boooty-licious. Then they have to some how make people think I don't have thunder thighs. Then they can't b too long or too short. Also, they can't be to high on my waist, but yet not so short that you whole back is out. Lastly, they have to have buttoned pockets. And I only go for 2 brands, so that makes it so much harder. Ugh. I still can't comprehend I am waking up so early ugh haha. Oh and I have the weakest fingers, so my nails always break...(By the way I have grown an squared those suckers off, so I am very proud of my hott non-ridgety nails). I better find my jeans tomorrow. Then I can check that one off my busy awful check list:(

He knows.

"I don't know how I feel. I don't know whether I am hurting, or if I am happy it's over.

I just don't know..

My mind is turning. I keep on re-playing the good memories. Then I replay the awful ending..."

That was my depressing text for the week. We will just leave that subject alone. 

I have a thing for saving my texts, the re-reading them. So that is why it is there.

This week everything has been thrown at me. The only thing that brings me comfort is knowing that God, knows I can do this. That I can handle it all. That he is there for me. I know I learned all this when I was 3. But sometimes, it just hits me so hard. It's funny. When I blog, things I never thought of just hits me.This happens to be one.

I have never been challenged with the problem of trying hard to forgive people. It came so easy for me for the most part, because I know it will bring me closure. But recently, I have had such a hard time forgiving people. Mabey because I don't want "closure", I just want to leave the matter alone. This week I have been tested tested and tested again. One of my best friends, got in a car wreck today. Do to drugs/alcohol. The first thing that hits me is, "yesterday she told me she stopped" I was so upset with her. She doesn't realize this isn't just fun and games. I have to learn I can't control any one but myself. I have been tested with people that hurt me. They want back in my life. I have shut them out, and blocked everything out. I have to some how learn to forgive them. But learn that doesn't mean I have to have "closure" and be happy with it all. That is hard for me also. No one really understands what I am going through, because I have been the "laugh it off type" you know? So I just fake it all a.o.k. It usually is, except for things hit me all together, like today. 

Overwhelmed?YES.

The thing that keeps me moving strong is knowing God is listening to my silent prayers in my heart. He knows what I a going through. He knew how I would handle my best friend being in a severe accident. He knows all this. This will one day make me stronger. Until then faith is the one thing I have to hold unto. 

Back in the day when I was 11. haha ( I felt super cool and old saying that.)

I had a lot hit me, like today. But I did not know how to handle it all like today. I then took a break from writing about my "crush" in my journal, and wrote about the problems that was going on. I some how became creative, and wrote a poem. (I seriously am never creative, but I guess I was that minute)haha. Well, ever since that day I guess I memorized it. Every time I hear bad news. Every time, I cry. Every time I feel overwhelmed. Every time, I just want to yell because I think no one understands, I hear the poem I wrote.

Here it is.

I know God loves me.

Because I can see.

I know he is there.

For you and me.

I know he is listens when I speak.

He knows when my life is good or bad.

He is there for me happy and sad.

He protects me and guides me every day.

He wants to hear what I have to say.

He believes in me with all his heart.

He knows my plan more then I.

If only I just believe, and give it time...

I know he is there, and rooting for me everywhere, I go.

I believe all this, because I know.

Colds, are just for winter right?

Amen Sista. I get how your feeling..

             Well. I knew it was coming, it always hits me every summer. That darn summer cold, that I dread so much! The last day of Vegas, I knew it was coming on.. But at least I wasn't sick the trip right? The last 3 days, I feel like the definition of a bum. Thank goodness for my amazing friends, that act like they don't even notice I'm participating in the "bum-ley actions" haha. When your head hurts and your whole face just aches, and your tired all the time, do you feel like looking like a million bucks? Nooo. And if you do, I'm jealous. I can barely force myself to throw my hair into the biggest scraggly bun, that your eyes have ever seen.

I am so sick of looking like a homeless animal,(I have been sponsoring this hott look since Sunday) So tomorrow, I am curling my hair, and wearing make up. I don't even care if I am just going to get gas, I need to do this for myself. haha. That is right. Hopefully, my "summer sickness" will find another girl to attack, because I have had my share of this baby. xoxo

Call me unrealistic, all your heart desires. But colds are only for winter. Not summer.

Uh.

They say talking about how you feel makes you feel better. I sure hope that works..

Drugs have impacted my life so much. At least once in your life you probably have written about drugs, addiction, and all that jazz. When I was little, and that DARE officer came in and talked to you about the sick affects, and showed me the picture of the dirty black human lungs, of the poor teenager that did meth.. I always figured, I won't know anyone like that. I will only be friends with people that were "good". Well as I grew up, my friends would start experimenting... Long story short. I can not tell you one friend back in Missouri that isn't cracked out every night. The truth is I love them. The truth is I am scared for them. The truth is, I know I have forced my self to drift away, just so I won't get hurt. The truth is I have been to 5 of my friends funerals, involving in drugs. It hurt. you can't live in the past, so I moved on. The present is here, and my best friend has gotten "re-hooked"...It tears me up, so much.

Dear Best friend, 

We have known each other for 18 years. We would talk about how dumb drugs were. Then you tried it, you got addicted. You gave up family, and friends, just so you could shoot up. You lied so you could smoke. You stole so you can snort. You have betrayed me time and time again. It hurts. You have gone to Rehab numerous times, I pray you beat the addiction. I pray so much for that. Somehow, you never learn.. You always run back to what you think is your true love. I pray you will be happy like you once were, I pray you seek something other then what hurts you most. I hope one day you can be normal. I wish you were happy without dealing. I wish you could be their for me when I needed you. It is so hard to call you in tears and you answer the phone so drunk, every night. It is so hard when  I get voicemails, of you babbling on and on because the meth is turning you crazy. It is so hard hearing your friends call me and tell me how bad off you are. It is so hard to have a best friend, that cares more about where the next dealer is, then our friendship. I love you. I want the best for you. Hopefully one day you will realize, you can live life, with out relying on drugs. I pray you figure it all out before it is too late.

Your cousin/ best friend,

Ashley. xox.

I found this poem a while back that ripped my heart. enjoy.

 Have you ever been tempted?
Have you ever wanted to try?
The things I will say
May cause you to cry.

The things that can happen
If you ever take a drug,
You’ll always be tired
You’ll be slow as a slug.

There are so many illnesses 
sure to be caught,
Your lungs, 
Your heart and
Your brain Will rot.

If you ever take drugs
You will never turn back,
Health,
Wealth and 
Looks you surly will lack.

You will be trapped forever
under the spell,
Of Cocaine, Marijuana 
And others to tell.

Take a single drug
you’ll only want more,
Temptations, temptations
Coming straight through the door.


If you avoid taking drugs
Fame and riches you could get,
But if your not convinced
not a single need would be met.

They’ll run you out of town
They wont want you back,
The only place you can live
Is a small, rundown shack.

If you are still taking drugs
I know you’re a fool,
Back then they were popular
Now there not cool.

Experiment,
Interest,
Or any other reason
You consuming drugs
Is worse than even treason.

But If still your not convinced
I don’t know what else to say,
Just that drugs can conquer
The life you live today.

ohhh man.

I may be to old for this now..Bummer.

Reality is finally hitting me...
I have been blocking this "reality" thing out of my head. But you can only block it out for so long..So unfortunately, I have sadly begun to think about all this. Reality is I have 21 days before school starts. 21 days. There is honestly no way. I am somehow supposed to "grow up" with in these last 21 days,get my parking pass, order my books, find me some "college gal clothes" haha, and have a life. As you can see I have been putting everything off as long as I can. I have so much fear, and anxiety about the big "1st day of school thing"... Like you have no idea..
First off, what do you wear? I mean that is always a big question for the first day of school right? Second Off, I have no idea where am I supposed to be going?3rd off, ahhh. What if no one likes me? Hahah I get this sounds cheesy and lame, but for real? If anyone has any advice please pour it my way...:)
Kinda the same subject...
Sometimes I feel different then other girls. I somehow have aways had "older friends". Most of my closest friends, are any where between 20-25. I learn so much from them, don't get me wrong. But sometimes..it is so hard. 6 of my friends back home, are having babies. My friends are all growing up. They are getting married. Finishing up with college. Having babies. Starting new chapters in their life.. Then here I am scared to death, starting college. I know it will be hard, I know I will have to work my butt off, and I know I will have to discipline my self. I'm petrified. I am so so grateful to have friends that are so strong, and driven. Even though I get picked on for being the "little girl" with all my friends, I really appreciate their examples beyond belief. I don't know how they do what they do, getting married, staying full time in school, working part time jobs, and pregnant. Holy determination. So to all my old friends. When I become old like you (Hoper sooner then later ha) I want to be just like yall. You guys inspire me more then anything.


As much stress that is coming my way. I want to have fun. I don't want it all to eat me up. I want to keep living life to the fullest. I hope and pray the next 4 years, go by fast. I hope this next year will welcome me. Here is a cute quote I found.."I guess when it comes down to it being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up These are the best days of our lives the only thing that matters is just following your heart And eventually you'll finally get it right"

I hope to follow my heart 100%. Amen Brother Amen.

Viva Las Vegas.

Viva Las Vegas..

I'm in love with you.

I have had a great vacation in Vegas this week. Even though I was wanting to go farther, maybe another island, country, fiji,( I may or may not have just watched the Batchlor, filming in beautiful Fiji, and I may have been really jealous) But all in all.( this is the first time I have ever used that phrase), I had an amazing time.. here is some things that happened. My iphone is depressingly breaking before my eyes. My phone some how deletes pictures all of the sudden. So half of my precious memories are missing...sad moment.

So here is a somewhat re-cap of my trip.

Their was tons of characters out on the strip... I think it was mainly for children to take pictures with, but my immature side came through, and well I had to do it. Here are some of the pictures.

They enjoyed getting super close.

I love me some Garfield.

I am petrified of "little people".. I know that sounds awful. When I was 9 2 midgets broke into my house. Ever since then I am PETRIFIED. I tried my hardest to be a normal girl and take pictures with "Chuckie" but I can't say I wasn't dying inside.

Spiderman is my hero, next to Mj, Oprah, and the Kardashians. But still. I was chosen for some "Spiderman show"...I hate being the "it" girl let me tell you. Long story short. I was thrown in the air twice, by this tiny Spiderman. I have never thought my face would crash into the grown more then this moment.

 

 

I met so many amazing people out there. Between Tasha and Kale, who made me laugh my head off all the time. I also met this amazing Michael Jackson impersonator. When I say amazing I mean it. He was an amazing singer and dancer. Kudos to Christoff, my new talented friend.

Can you just say talented.

xoxo.

 

This boy followed his dreams, and inspired me.

Kudos, to my mom. Who made my week even greater.