4 months.

Well the semester is over..
There has been so many ups and downs this semester, there is no possible way I can blog about the last 4 months in great detail. However, there has been one constant incident in my life that keeps reappearing. "Growing up". Time and time again, I have been faced with crazy situations, that I had 2 choices. A. I could go lay in bed and cry because the situation is crazy. or B. I can trrrrrrrryyy real hard to keep pushing through. Even though tons of times I have been a crying baby, I can really tell I have been pushing through. I have never had more stress in my life. I have never prayed so hard in my life. I have never wanted things so bad in my life. With all those things being pushed into a little 4 month period you really find out a ton about yourself,your character,your values, beliefs. 

It is crazy for me to take in this semester. To think what I have been through from August until now still blows me away. It seems like years, but in reality it was only 4 months. I know I have grown up so much the last 4 months, and have handled situations better then I ever thought I could. I know this was because I had my Heavenly Father by my side helping me along the way, helping me grow up, helping me forgive, and helping me push on. I am so thankful for the courage he has given me and the strength to keep going.

Well HI THERE school.

Today is the last day of summer...

It is so hard to accept, and comprehend. I guess I'll be comprehending it pretty well tomorrow when I wake up early to head off to school. I have never liked school, and I have been extremely envious of all the kids who just die hard love school. However, after thinking about the "positives" of going back to school..I came up with a couple. So here we go.

A. At least I am lucky enough to have the opportunity to go to college.

B. I know I am making the right decision by going to college.

C. I guess my brain will get more wrinkles and I'll get smarter.

D. I'm sure I will grow up a ton.

Last year at this time, I was scared to death to start my first year at Weber. I had NO IDEA what the whole "college experience" was like... I was so nervous, to say the least.

This year even though it will be my second year, I will be starting a new college. Even though I know SLCC is where I need to go right now, I am already dreading the long drive there and back. I honestly can't imagine driving like an hour to and from school.  I am also dreading the "unknown" After a semester of Weber, I could tell you where everything was in that campus. Now..it's just like starting over again. And I'm not a big fan of that...at all.

I am also not a big fan of accepting that my summer is O.V.E.R... Like seriously? This summer has gone by soo fast. I feel like this summer has been one of my favorites for many reasons. First off, I traveled a tooon. I went to NYC...which was fabulous. Then went on a cruise, visited Hatti, Puerto Rico, St. Maartin, and another island. Then went back to NYC. Flew to Utah on birthday..Then flew to Kansas City saw the Kansas city temple (which totally looks like a mini SLC temple-SO pretty!), visited family in Warnsburg, and then drove back home to the lovely Springfield Missouri! Where I spent a week laughing to death with Julie.. I love traveling. But traveling would not have been so great, if I didn't have my family by my side. We all bonded so much this summer, and I love it.

Throughout this summer, I did have some trials, some hard times, and issues that bothered me quite a bit that I had to try to work through. My testimony of prayers have strengthened even more this summer, and my testimony of the love that my Heavenly Father has for me and all his children. It is so comforting to know that throughout this semester as stressful as it will be, I can always turn to my Heavenly Father. 

Side Note: I have had a stinken awful sinus infection for almost 2 weeks now. I was hoping it would go away before school...tomorrow. But obviously not... hahha. I guess I'l be blowing my nose every 3 seconds tomorrow.. What a good first impression :)

Truth.

The Truth..

The truth is so hard for me to accept. It's always been a huge struggle for me. When I was little and heard "the truth" that I didn't want to hear, I would just pretend it wasn't true. To this day..the truth is still extremely hard for me to hear, face, and especially admit. I was talking to a friend about how stressful this summer has been and something came up about how I struggle admitting the truth...She told me that in her journal, she writes down the "truths" she keeps inside, that she doesn't want to admit.

Lately, as I have been mentally keeping track of the "truths" I don't want to admit.. I have come to a conclusion that one of the "truths" that I struggle with is caring..

I seriously care so much for people. Whether I know you a whole lot, or if I hardly know you. But now, were just focusing on the people close to me. When you need something. I try 100% to help you. Sometimes, I feel as if it's not a two way street...and for years I  have tried to pretend that's not the "truth". Tonight, I realized that is the truth. So to all my fellow bloggers..what do you do in that case? Do you keep caring? Do you stop caring?Care less? Accept it's a one way street for the most part? I just don't get it.

Words can hurt.

"Sticks and Stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me"

FALSE.

Words always seems to affect me the worst. When I was younger and used to get picked on, there was this "feeling" I would always get. I'm not sure how to describe it, other then painful. I would feel hurt/betrayed/unwanted/uncool/helpless, and basically just felt like a loser. I would go into this "stage" where all the hurtful words would come shooting in my ears, thats all I could hear, and that's all I could think about...Years of this "bullying"/"verbal abuse" went on until l I finally removed myself from it all.  The Summer when I lost weight, gained confidence, and tried to get closure from my "painful past" was a great summer. Since that Summer, yes people have said hurtful words to me. But, nothing compared to the amount and strength of the hurtful words I have heard before..

This is the crazy part...About a week or 2 ago, by accident I clicked on a picture. It was of me, I couldn't believe why on earth this girl who I didn't know had a picture of me? Underneath the picture was comments and comments of mean,hatred,degrading,awful, and hateful words. I honestly was in shock. I could not stop scrolling farther and farther down reading these nasty comments. At that very moment, as I was bawling like a baby...I felt that same feeling as I did years ago. It was devastating.

What bothered me the most was that these girls didn't even know me. They didn't know"my story". They don't know what I deal with. They don't know all the trials that I have been through. All they knew was my name is Ashley. Those girls didn't know I have spent years working my butt off to be healthy and fit. Instead they decided to just call me "fat". As I saw other pictures getting uploaded, of when I had surgery.. and reading their comments about the surgery "they thought I had", when the truth was I was scared out of my mind praying that the results would not show up cancerous.

What I am trying to say is this: Girls have a strong tendency to judge others. That is the way we make friends. We put others down, so we can look better. We lie about others, so we can seem to be better. We agree to comments about others we may not believe, so others will like us. We all want to be liked, so possibly putting others down will help our dreams come true? No. I know what it feels like to be bullied by vicious girls. 19 years of hearing comments, it does not get easier or better. You can't get used to the mean comments, you just can't. I hope and pray with all my heart those girls who made fun of me last week, just stop. I hope karma doesn't turn around on them. No one deserves to feel the pain and insecurities bullying causes on a person. If you make fun of others to make yourself look better, I have pity on you. What kind of person are you trying to gain friends, while shattering other innocent girls' hearts? Next time, you think about making fun of someone, think about how much you know about them. Think about the reasons why that girl may look/act/ or do the things she does.

http://youtu.be/O1-4u9W-bns?hd=

4th of July.

(These were the huge poles we hammered into the ground.
 haha. Such a joke.)

(35 flags and 3 hours later we were done! Finally! )

I feel like I probably should blog about the 4th..Since it's a holiday and all! Well the 3rd at like 3am...(technically the beginning of the 4th) my friend arrived home after 6 months! He was in China, teaching kids English and exploring the land. So I was up all night visiting with him! It was so fun! We looked at pictures, talked about life, laughed our faces off and caught up on the last 6 months. Time flew by, and it was suddenly 6am. Well... my brother was in charge of putting up flags throughout the neighborhood for our church and needed help. So we carried huge flags, and made total fools out of ourselves hammering 6 foot flags into the ground (Seriously, it was hard...especially we were all clueless and a tad delusional). Then Josh and I went on a little "4th of July drive" checked out the parade before it started haha, and listened to country patriotic songs. I finally went to sleep for the night at like noon.

       ...

I slept practically the whole day... and woke up to my neighbors shooting super loud fireworks. In Utah, people are alowed to shoot fireworks in NEIGHBORHOODS! I still can't believe it. I don't understand for the life of me how this is safe, or legal? But that is to be discussed later..:) So I sat on my porch swing like a total freak enjoying fireworks almost burn my house down. Literately.

By the way my dogs, are the most "un-4th of July dogs" EVER. They HATE hearing fireworks, especially above our house.

My grandparents got into the spirit,
 and went dancing and all around town looking like this haha.
Their the cutest.

                                                                  ...

When Mitch got off work, we hung out like we always do. We watched fireworks in NYC on Tv, for like 25 minutes, and "pretended" they were real...and layed on the ground 2 inches away from my movie screen. Then we became super patriotic and dressed up and took pictures. Doesn't he look great? He is seriously such a trooper, we took tons of cheesy pictures. I'm so grateful that he puts up with me and my strange picture taking ways.

All in all, I had a great 4th of July. I'm so glad I live in the USA, where I can worship God, where I have freedom of religion, speech, and all the other freedoms we take advantage of. I'm also so thankful for all the many people fighting so I can have freedom. How selfless is that? Risking your own life so others can have freedom? I find that simply amazing. 

Happy 4th Ya'll.

Time for an update? Yes.

It's been a whole stinken month since I blogged! And honestly I feel like so much has happened I don't even have a clue where to begin!?
Sooo, I remember right when my summer started, all I could think about was how boring-not entertaining at all, my summer would be! (I actually was kinda excited, to sleep all the time, worry about nothing, and do nothing-motivated? I know.)  
Then everything changed... Everything started just popping into my life, one after another. So whats been going on?

Event #1: Well, a BIG THING is we all took a cute FamBam Vacation. A couple months ago, my cousin and I were planning on going on a vacation, but situations happened, and it all feel through. I was upset. Soo I was pretty darn excited about this.  My mom, bro, grandparents, and uncle flew to NYC. Went on a 9 day cruise, visited Hati, Bermuda, St. Maartin, and Puerto Rico, then spent a couple days exploring NYC, then flew to Utah, and I laid in my bed from exhaustion for like 3 days straight. It was great. Loved that vacation minus a couple situations! It was so good to be home and see my adorable Allie, and sleep in my own ben. (I have so much to say about this vacation, but well blog about all this interesting vacation stuff later!)

Event #2: Guess whose birthday was this month? Thats Riight. ME!! I am officially 19. It feels so crazy to me. I don't know if I feel older? If I feel younger? Or if I feel 19? Can I feel a little of all 3? If so..thats exactly how I feel.  I feel like I had to learn how to grow up a tooon this last year..Even though I lived at home, the trials that I had to learn to overcome...has strengthened/matured me in ways that have been crazy to look back and see. Although, somedays I feel like I'm a little girl. I want to just play with friends, draw pictures, pick on my brother, and cry when I don't get my way..;) It's insane, for me to think next year I'll be 20. This is my last year being a "teenager". Cheers to my last "teen year."

-I was in NYC airport all day for my birthday! Exciting, I know. It was the day we were flying back home. But I can't complain. Every place we went, my family TRIED to embarrass me and make the people sing happy birthday to me. Everyone was so cooperative also , literately every place we went...I heard that song. It was actually pretty ridiculous haha, I got sung to in 2 airports, 2 airplanes, 2 taxis, in a subway, and train thing.  When I got home, it was like 1-ish am, and I was exhausted. Like literately I thought everything was hilarious-exhausted. I went to go say hi to Mitch, (Missed this funny guy a lot let me tell ya) and he surprised me with freaken amazing presents. Like seriously, my presents for his birthday didn't even compare. I'm luuucky..(Btw. I Suck at getting presents, especially for guys) We talked for a bit, and I went home and didn't get out of my bed for days. so that includes my actual birthday DAY bash, other then all these presents my friends dropped by my house like the whole week. I have a great family, friends, and boyfriend, to say the least. Seriously, so blessed.

Event #3: Well it's been 3 years! 3 years since I got the news we were moving to Utah. I have kept a journal of my life for a while now, and looking back 3 years ago at what I wrote...was rather hard for me. "I'm scared. What if no one accepts me. I'm going to miss Julie, a lot. This feels like home, but I know it's where I need to go." I wrote that 3 years ago...3 years ago, I was scared of this move. 2 years ago, I didn't like it out hear, and even last year I didn't necessarily liiiiiike the whole concept of it. This year I feel like Utah is home. I even find myself, calling it home. Missouri will always be where I grew up, where I learned to fight for what I wanted, where I was taught so many lessons I would not have learned any where else, but Utah is my home.. for now. It's crazy how my testimony of life in general has grown so much through this move. The last 3 years have been the craziest- hardest years of my life. It seems like, when we moved to Utah, trials just kept coming my way. Even though, there are plenty of days I act like a bi-polar person, crying because I am so sick of all these trials, feeling sorry for my self because I miss Missouri, I know Utah is the place I needed- and need to be right now. I know my family, and I did the right thing my coming out here, and that is overwhelmingly comforting.


Event #4:Well, my birthday was on Fathers Day this year again. I don't particularly like that, just for the fact I get a tiny bit sad every Fathers Day for numerous reasons, and I wanted to be happy for my birthday. Fortunately my birthday was great. So Obviously, for Father Day-"my birthday;)" we were in the airport all day, so we didn't do anything too excitingly special. Uhm, can I just say how awesome my grandpa is? Seriously, I can not talk more highly about someone, then him. My grandpa is not only my grandpa, he plays the dad role in my life, which I am forever grateful for. That man hardly every gets mad, and when he does.. he is just trying to help you. My grandpa has helped my mom/brother/ and me out so much. He is also absolutely hilarious also. I love you so much Gramps:)
-Not having my real dad in my life, has always been a struggle for me. It never really has gotten easy, and I never really have gotten "used to it". This is the first year, I didn't send him a "Happy Fathers Day" Text. I'm not too sure how I feel about that decision yet. I remember when I was little, I could never go to church the week when Fathers Day was because it killed me hearing what I missed out on. I so badly, wanted-want everything to work out with my Dad, but I can't make someone do something they don't want to do. So now, managing to look on the bright side of my whole situation with my dad...it has really taught me a lot & even though I wouldn't wish not having a dad on anyone, I am grateful for the things I have learned. I have learned what I want in a husband, I think that is the most important. I want my kids to have a dad active in their lives, and there for them. I'm not sure if my feelings would be so strong about those specifics, if this trial wasn't placed in my life.  So until then! I'm grateful to have a Heavenly Father, and an amazing Grandpa in my life. Shout out to all the amazing dads out there. Happy Fathers Day!


Event #5:I'm going back to my "old home". Hellooooe Missouri. In less then a month, I'm going back to my old city, my old state, my old neighborhood. Honestly, I wasn't even excited when I decided I would join my family and go back home, for a lot of reasons. So I am trying to make the most out of all this at the moment.  It will be good to eat at all my favorite restaurants, see my family&especially my great grandpa, see old friends, and go to my old church. Hopefully everything goes smoothly. Fingers doubled crossed.


Event #6:Going on vacation for 2 weeks+ 2 weeks home"eating junk food non stop", I decided has got to stop. I decided I want to loose more weight. I am getting closer and closer to my personal goal weight. Today is Day#2 of my diet, and even though I want some chocolate and pizza right now, I'm kinda excited beyond belief to reach my goal...Wish me luck.

Event #7: Well, I've had "health" well call it problems, in the past...and the doctors thought they knew what was wrong with me...so I had to go do that fun surgery in December.. Well sadly, a couple weeks before my cruise, I was not feeling so good, so I knew something was up. I went to a couple doctors, and they scheduled me for all these test-blood drawn- and x-rays. Well since I left on vacation, the soonest they could get me back in was this upcoming Friday. I am so scared and nervous, but yet I want to know whats up, and why I feel awful like 23 hours a day. Its crazy to me how good I felt a couple weeks after my surgery, and now I constantly never feel good like I used too. Hopefully, everything will be okay, and soon I will feel 100% like I used too

Event#8:I know I blogged about this before... but it's crazy how everyone is moving forward with their lives. Several of my friends got engaged this month, got married, and even got pregnant recently. Congrats to all my amazing friends!! Oh yeah my cool friend Josh comes home from China July 3rd. I'm excited.:)

So as of now, I have been just living a little peaceful life for the last week or so. I really have a boring life these last couple weeks, and soon to be the next couple weeks, and I am so excited about that. Wanna know my schedule? I sleep in "hopefully no one wakes me" which is so nice by the way,  I unpack-clean-laundy(all that fun stuff), lay out, check facebook-twitter-pinterest-blog,etc. Shower.Talk-see friends. Then see Mitch, and watch reality shows-poor guy(going on 15 days straight) until super abnormal hours. Then sleep. And Redo it all. I occasionally go to Lagoon, like once a week. Plus yesterday I TOTALLY went out off my comfort zone, and watched Mitch play in some tournament, and met his fam/friends.(Totally proud moment here) He is such a baller btw. They got 1st! Go Mitch! So thats about all of my boring little life now.. Ohh yeah and now I gotta fit running in there now and dieting. Yay......:) 


PS. Jef on the Bachelorette better win.

Simplicity.

So much has been going on lately, my little ole' blog has been so sadly deprived. 

I'm the biggest quote freak out there... So whats better then a couple good quotes on Wednesday? Happy Wednesday.

One week from today, I will be flying to NYC. Turning off my phone, not checking fb, not checking twitter, not blogging, or looking at pinterest. I won't be blaring music off my laptop, or watching hilarious youtube videos. I will be enjoying my amazing family, as they embarrass the living heck out of me. And honestly, I am thrilled...

What I believe!

Lets take a jump and talk about something crazy shall we?

Recently... one of my friends, called me in tears asking me about what I believe? If I believed in a God? What do I value/believe? And other questions relating to this topic.

...

As I heard her voice on the other line, I was taken back for a moment. 

A. This was a serious, question!

B. How do I respond to this?

C. Do my friends really not know what I believe/value?

After hours on the phone, and lots of time reflecting over the whole ordeal I realized a lot of things. I realized how lucky I am, to have the knowledge and truth I do have, I also realized how thankful I am for the people in my life that I know were put in my life for a reason. I also realized I should maybe make it more known the questions that I was asked (mentioned above). Also, everything I so strongly believe reflects right back to the "Young Women's Theme."

Living in Utah I take tons of things for advantage. First off, I can choose to surround myself with people of my own values. Second off, yes there are tons of pressure to do bad things, go a little far with a guy, or not attend church...Buuuut there are good pressures as well. If that makes sense? When I lived in Missouri, lots of my Missouri friends knew I was LDS but maybe were too afraid to bring it up? Or maybe other reasons? The girl that called me was one of my Missouri friends, and I was taken back that she didn't know what I knew was true, and valued.

So here we go blogging friends, you probably aren't wondering...but say that.0009% chance you are, here are my answers.

Do I believe in a God? First off, I believe in a God. Yes. I know he watches over me. I know he loves me. I know that when a trial is placed in my life, that he will help me through it. When I am lonely, or sad, or happy, I can talk to him. I know that God has a plan for each of us. Knowing that God has a plan for each of us, honestly never made sense to me? I would ask myself that question all the time? this last year I learned God does have a plan for me. god has a plan for everyone. A couple years ago, I would of never thought, I would have moved to Utah. I would of never thought my family would be this close. I never thought I would be so happy. I know that God loves me, and I love him.

Now to the tricky one...what do I believe value? Well this may be random..but here me out...haha.

I believe in Heavenly Father. I believe in his son Jesus Christ as well. I also believe in the Holy Ghost. I believe in the power of prayer. I feel as if I relate to the last couple years of my life so much, but it has been the hardest, and most learning, and growing years of my life. I have learned the importance of prayers. I know that God hears my prayers. I know that having a prayer in your heart will help you tremendous amounts. When times are hard, the first thing I  ever think of is..."I gotta pray!" The power of  prayer is unbelievable. Talking to Heavenly Father has helped me unbelievable amounts.

I know that each one of us were put into our family for a reason..I know the importance of eternal families. I know that families can be together forever, I am so grateful that I will be with my family after we all die. Going along with families, I value it and believe in the power of a "strong family". I have always been so excited to get married, to have cute babies, and most importantly to always be with them..not only in this life, but after this life as well. I know that the devil tries so hard to tear the family apart. I have seen the results of this, and it breaks my heart. I know that temple marriages are true. I am so excited to be sealed to my husband forever in the temple.I know that if we have faith and ask God for help, we can not give in to what the devil wants.

I believe in the power of the priesthood. I know how important the priesthood is, and value it so much. When I got sick, I received countless blessings. The blessings didn't "cure" me. But more importantly the blessings helped me stay strong, made me believe, and have faith in the whole "journey". I think it is adorable, and so good when a guy honors his priesthood and fulfills it. All through growing up, I knew I wanted to marry a man that honored his priesthood, when I was 15 and my "teen years" haha kicked in, I just wanted a hott boy? Thank heavens reality hit back in, and I got my priorities straight. I am so thankful for the priesthood, and for the guys that honor and take it seriously. 

I know that trials are put in our life for a reason. Throughout my life, there has been countless little and big trials thrown in my direction. As I sit here crying as I blog, I know that they were put in my life to help me grow up, and become stronger. There were so many times I wanted to give in, follow the peer pressure, not fight for what I deserved, not go to church, not believe in what I knew, but by fighting and having faith...I somehow with the majority of God somehow conquered them all? I know that the trials everyone is given, is given to them because God KNOWS that we can handle them if we have FAITH.

I know I am a daughter of God. I know that we are all children of God. I know that my body is a temple, and respecting it is so important. I know that repentance is so so amazing. I know God will forgive you no matter what. The repentance process is so so dear to me. I am so thankful for the chance to repent and be forgiven. 

Lastly, I believe in my church. For those of you don't know, I am LDS. I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I know this is the only true church. I am so grateful my mom and grandparents taught me how important the church was to them, and set such a great example for me. I am so thankful for the Young Woman's program....my closest friends back home, were the girls with the same values as me in the program.. I remember saying the theme every Sunday, reminding myself I am a daughter of Heavenly Father, that he does love me and I love him. The last part of the theme says...

"We believe as we come to accept and act upon these values, we will be prepared to strengthen home and family, make and keep sacred covenants, receive the ordinances of the temple, and enjoy the blessings of exaltation."

I just love those lines as well. Not only do we accept the values, we learn and ACT upon them...in order to strengthen our relationships among family, and so on.

So there is just some of what I believe and value. I know my values and beliefs may be different then yours. I respect that 200%. If any of my lovely blogger friends/ readers have any questions about what I believe you can ask me, oooooor refer to

http://www.lds.org/?lang=eng 

or I can have some pretty cool missionaries, come teach ya some amazing stuff!!!

"I'm okay..."

I need a good venting...


These past couple of days have been hard.So hard. 
I've felt alone, I've felt like things should turn around...and they just keep getting worse..


I guess what I hate the most about this week, is that sometimes I feel that I really don't have people that understand. Sure my family is there for me, but it kills me watching them go through the exact same thing I am. Sure my friends will listen, but they never experienced all this, and I am sure they don't care. Although, the last couple days I have been "trying" my hardest to cope, and take in everything...deep down I am hurt. I have been trying my hardest to stay strong for everyone, but you can only stay strong and positive for so long before reality sets in. 


I have always hated crying infront of people, and letting them know that I am hurt..I have been told recently numerous times that I don't always have to be strong. But all my life, Ive tried to be the strong girl, the girl that would take the punches with a smile and move on...But deep down, I am scared of letting people know I am actually not okay, that I had an awful day, or that I had a hard day, or that no I am actually not happy everyday.Some days I wish someone wouldn't believe that I "am doing okay". Some days I wish I was made to open up, instead of trying to hold it in. Now don't get me wrong, I am not some depressant freak, but we all have up and down days. Unfortunately this week has been filled with more downer days then up days..


-I am petrified of going to the doctor, and praying the results come back okay.
-I am petrified that I am not being the "bigger" person.
-I am not sure how to handle people in my life.
-I hate the uncertainty of not knowing. 
-I hate how mean people can be to me, simply because I am bettering my life.
-I hate doubting myself to the point that I begin to doubt the relationships I am in.


It is so hard trying to not let all these issues get to me, since one hits me right after the other this whole week. It is so hard not letting other effect my thinking. Moments like this, just makes me want to have a good deep cry session. 


These last couple sleepless nights, and bad days have been draining. I am crossing my fingers everything straightens out..To all the people I have been a complete brat to, I am apologizing. 

I am so so over these last couple of days.

Perfect.

Perfect.

Does perfect even exist? When I was a little girl, I remember I had my "perfect plans". I wanted all A's. I wanted to be the popular girl in school. I wanted the popular boyfriend. I wanted to be married at age 22. Kids at age 24. I had my "perfect plans"..so I thought.

When I started middle school and high school... I remember wanting the perfect body. I wanted the perfect hair. I wanted the perfect clothes. I wanted the perfect days. I wanted the perfect vacations. I wanted the perfect friends. I wanted the perfect life.

When I moved to Utah. I was in shock. The girls were skinny. The girls had long blond hair everywhere I looked! I saw the most attractive girls, with a full set of make up on working out. The girls woke up so early, and went to bed at a decent time. Most everyone was in a relationship. Everyone ran around with smiles on their faces. All these girls had a mom and a dad. They had tons of family so close by!These girls knew everything. They sewed, quilted, cooked, and did everything else humanely possible.

Like a lot of people may feel...I felt nonetheless inadequate. I did not feel "perfect." At this time in my life I  felt as if I was beneath these girls. With all that being said I worked really hard last summer, trying to accept the fact that my life is not perfect.  Through out the year 

I have been trying to "accept the things I can not change". 

With all that being said..

This last couple of weeks I have been so happy. The crazy thing is that these last couple weeks haven't been that great. I feel as if someone watched my life these last couple weeks.. They would be like "What the heck?" How have you been happy? These last 2 weeks weren't a big deal? But bare with me as I try to explain this. Throughout my life I have had my fair share of obstacles. I have had my fair share of nights where I would just cry myself to sleep. I have had my fair share of days I would envy other peoples' lives, and wish my life would be that "perfect". Well I have learned to love the life I was given.  Sure I have plenty of crap I deal with, but to me...my life is perfect. I am glad I have obstacles, I am glad my life isn't boring, (as much as some days I would love for their not to be.)

I think "perfect" is such a stupid word, everyone wants to look perfect. Feel perfect. Act perfect, and be perfect. I can't say I blame them? I want all those things as well. But, there is a line that people need to make? What is real? And what is perfect? Before learning about the world, I thought those sexy girls on the cover of Victoria Secret magazines really looked like that. I thought celebrities always looked like that as well. I had no idea all the "fakeness" that went into trying to look "perfect". 

So I guess all I am trying to say is that my life isn't the ideal perfect, but it is perfect to me. These last couple of weeks haven't been so so great, but they have been great to me. Perfect in my opinion is how you view it. Knowing that "perfect" may not always exist was  the start to actually turning my life into what is "perfect" for me. Sure I am not a size 0. Sure I get acne when I don't wash my face at night. Sure I can't cook a gourmet meal worth my life. Sure I can't sew, or play sports. Sure I don't have the "ideal" family, but honestly I wouldn't change a thing. My life is so perfect for me. 

Soo shall we catch up on these last couple weeks through pictures?! Kapeesh. 

The weather has been so great. So tanning with my doggie has definitely been happening..

This cute girl came home for the summer. That means; Crazy talks, pictures,&long drives.

Being out of school means some major family bonding times. Driving around with my grandpa on sunny afternoons are the best.

Photoboothing it up with my mommy have been going down..for hours. haha

Making this good looking fella smile for pictures have been happening quite a bit!

Watching movies at abnormal hours of the nights just completes every night.

...

So that sums up the last week or so..

On a side note.. These last couple weeks I have gotten atooon of comments from people reading my blog. How much it has "Helped them" "How real it is""Your life seems even crazier then mine" and everything else.  When I first started blogging, I would read peoples' blogs and think "holy cow there life is so perfect"... I wasn't sure how I could even compete with their perfect life I guess.  I debated on leaving my "crappy days" out of the blog. Obviously I decided to include the good, bad,and the ugly. When I first started blogging, the pure purpose was just to vent my feelings, and express myself so hearing all these positive comments just make my day! So to all of you guys reading my crazy "unperfect" blog, more power to ya :)

WELP THATS A WRAP FOLKS.

Happyhappy.

Sometimes if you walk into my room, you may just find me just smiling on pinterest, day-dreaming about my future, wearing a gigantic huge t-shirt, with shorts you can't even see, drinking diet coke, Celine Dion and country music blaring at the same time, while my feet are bundled up on my electric blanket on high, with my doggy laying on my back and legs like a crazy person panting to death..

These are the moments I absolutely love. These little moments make me so happy. Like almost to the point where I just want to smile for hours. Lately, I have decided that I am going to try to be happy more then I am. Don't get me wrong I am usually a happy person, I really am. But, somedays I get in these ruts where I just beat myself up...and realize later how many happy hours I have missed by choosing to be a grumpy girl. 

So after thinking about what makes me happy, I realized I am so freaking weird. (Even though I already knew this...) but seriously. So here are 50 normal ways to make me happy.

                                                                              :)

What makes me happy inside..

1.Listening to country people talk.

2.Celine Dion/Justin bieber/Shania Twain/ Michael Jackson/ and Usher blairing.

3.Drawing cartoon people

4.When the door is open for me

5.When people say "please" and "thank you"

6.The smell of rain

7.Windy weather

8.Getting butterflies

9.Loosing weight

10.Taking pictures of every moment of life

11.city lights

12.The thought of living in a big city

13.Day dreaming

14.Prank Calling like a 8 year old

15.Wearing huge clunky overbearing earrings

16.Fingers. Pretty fingers. 

17.Nail polish

18.Mormon messages

19.Riding on jet skies, and four wheelers.

20.Looking at wedding dresses/ wedding everything.Temples. Eternal Marriage.

21.The thought of being in love. Like holy cow. 

22.Knowing God knows me by name. 

23.Diet Coke with a lemon

24.When people surprise me.

25.Tanning

26.Summer nights.

27.Swinging

28.Colorful socks

29.Seeing the muscles.

30.Pretty teeth.

31. Watching basketball-watching dunks.

32. Watching Fireworks.

33. Shopping/Buying new outfits and wearing them right after

34. Eating out.

35. When people reassure me

36. Texting fast.Cute texts. Good morning texts.Everything.

37. Playing with little kids.

38. Little girl clothes.

39. Growing up--in a way.

40. Playing with hair.

41. Coloring books

42. Acting weird.

43. When I get compliments looking completely awful.

44. When people move the hair out of my eyes.

45. Forgiving people.

46. Chocolate-Smoothies-crunchy foods

47. Vacations!!!!!!!!!!!!!

48. Songs that relate to my life

49. Dressing my doggy up

50. Long pointless drives.

These pictures also make my hear happy.

Everyone deserves to find happiness. I remember the months I was so unhappy, and those were the worst, I am so happy that I am happy. (Sounds weird? I know.)Cheers to the happy little moments, that tickle my insides, and brings me joy.

There ain't no price for being nice.

Missouri has tons of sayings. When I moved to Utah, I couldn't believe that people didn't say these cheesy/clever sayings. One saying people don't say like ever out here is..             "There ain't no price for being nice"

(Truest statement ever in my book...)

      Recently, all I have been seeing, and hearing are people being so darn cruel to each other. It makes me so so sick. I witness, popular students pick on unpopular people, I hear awful comments being said to the boy who doesn't wear the "right" type of clothes...etc.  Hearing these cruel comments, none the less breaks my heart. 

   Every time I hear a rude comment made to someone, I feel like it probably affects me a little too. I have always cared about people. I remember when I was like 4 and played with dolls. I would always make sure my dolls were nice to each other. I have always wondered why when I hear someone make a rude comment to someone, that in a strange way it bothers me as well. Shouldn't I just be happy it wasn't directed to me? But NO. I feel like maybe it's because I know what it feels like to hear the nasty comments being said? I know how it feels to "pretend" it doesn't bother me. Maybe I know what it is like years later, to still hear those nasty words? 

  

     Being the unpopular kid through most of my school years, I remember the way most of us coped. We "pretended"  we didn't like the "popular" kids. We pretended the harsh/ cruel words didn't bother us. But deep down, I know it got to me. I know it got to my so called "unpopular" friends as well...

   Years later, I was fortunate enough to view this all from another spectrum.  When I graduated high school, I was confident, and a lot of other traits "unpopular" kids, weren't supposed to acquire. 

So what happened? 

The girls that once looked down upon me, wanted to be my friends.

The guys who wouldn't think twice about my name, wanted my number.

....

It hit so fast.  At that moment, I was flattered. I was so happy. Finally. I was in the "popular" crowed.  the crowed I always wanted to be accepted into. I remember when I first hung out with some girls, all I remember was I was so happy to be there.  To my surprise, all they did was gossip. Make fun of all the "unpopular" kids. They were down right mean. I could not believe it. About a month later, I discovered the negative effects hanging of out with them was also having on me, so I decided I would stop seeing all of them.

....

When I started my 1st year of college, I wasn't sure what would go on. Surprisingly, I somehow turned into a "popular" girl.  The "older kids" wanted to be my friend, and honestly I just felt "COOL"... I was invited to all of these events, parties,dates, and everything else.  I liked it. I liked having friends. I liked walking into a class, and having people want to sit next to me. I liked it all..maybe a little too much.. 

I remember one day when I was in my English class we were supposed to divide into groups. There was several less "popular" students, and then the "cool" students. I remember that moment so clearly. I didn't think twice about what group, I wanted to join. I knew I was considered "popular" in that class, therefor I would walk right past the "less popular" students, and go sit with the "popular" ones. Lots of weeks later, I realized that I wasn't happy. Being popular wasn't what I thought it would be. I didn't want it any more.

All my life, I always got the same compliment, "Ashley you are so nice".  I always told myself, that if I ever became "popular" I would be nice.  Well, looking back...I wasn't.  I didn't talk to girls, that my "popular" friends didn't talk to. Why? Because that was the "cool" thing to do.  I only gave out my numbers to the guys who were considered "popular". I can't believe I weighed being "popular" above being "nice".

I guess the saying "the grass isn't always greener on the other side" is so true. Ever since that day, I can honestly say I don't care if I am considered popular or not. It kills me seeing others doing what I experienced. Prioritizing being cool, over being nice. What matters the most is how you treat people. I am so glad that I realized this. Even though I felt "COOL" those 4-5 month, I missed out on being myself.

Nice>Fitting In.