This is the story of a girl...: Swimsuits and a rant.

The picture on the left, I was on a cruise, at one of the ports and on the beach. I remember that my family went inside to change into their swimsuits and I didn't go change. Because I simply couldn't wear a swimsuit. Don't get me wrong plenty of girls wear swimsuits my size! Bigger! Smaller! I applaud ANYONE who wears a swimsuit! And for that matter I applaud ANYONE who wears whatever they choose to the beach! Holla! But for me personally, I couldn't find a swimsuit that covered me up, or stayed up, or just looked okay. Swim suit shopping was the worst. Almost as bad as Jean shooping. Holy cow, that was a nightmare. Also, I had very poor "body confidence" I could barely wear a short sleeve shirt. The thought of wearing something less than that terrified me. Petrified me really. I remember so clearly feeling so insecure. I still remember seeing this girl in a neon yellow bikini running around the beach. She looked amazing. I felt so insecure. I looked down and saw my capris and my short sleeve shirt on. (I actually wrote this incident in my little journal. Ha!) But the memory is still instilled in my head. I remember being bitter standing there on the beach. I mean how pitiful is it to feel upset when you are at a gorgeous beach?? I walked slowly into the ocean ( I honestly still feel how embarrassed I was--walking into the ocean with my clothes all on) and a wave smacked against me. I remember walking out of the ocean immediately. My clothes were hott. They stuck to me, and my tummy rolls were so prominent because my wet shirt was so stuck to me. I was so embarrassed. I immediately went and sat down. The feeling that I felt was a feeling of shame. The feeling of sadness. The feeling of just no self confidence. I truly thought I was a disgrace being at the beach. I felt this for a lot of reasons, but mostly because I wasn't that "ideal" look. Ya know? Flash forward to my last cruise. I ordered this swimsuit online and I have been so giddy ever since to wear it. Here is the thing, when you dream about something that you never knew that you could accomplish... The moment it happens you are straight up like a giddy two year old. It's ridiculous. Long story short. After a day of laying out and having a blast in the middle of the ocean, I got my mom

And I told her I needed a little photo of me in this little swim suit. After like the 2nd picture, I about lost it.. I never knew that I would feel "okay" or feel confident wearing a swimsuit. Yet alone fit in one. One of the most beautiful things that this journey has taught me is to love myself. I could not help but think of a couple short years earlier sitting on the beach in my wet shirt and wet pants feeling so sad because I wouldn't get an opportunity to wear a swimsuit. Little did I know.

I write this because I know what it is like to feel like you are a disgrace. I know what it is like to feel "too fat" to go to the beach. Or feel too "flabby" to get in your swimsuit. I know what it is like to want something so bad. I get it! Even though I was bigger, I wish that I had the confidence to feel okay wearing regular clothes on that beach. I wish I could go back in time and rock that wet short sleeve shirt and not worry about it! I'm here begging you, if you think you are "too fat" or too "flabby" or whatever you feel that is holding you back, forget it! Jump in the pool anyway, embrace it! Walk into that ocean!

Enjoy your day. AND when you are done and you want to loose weight, or improve your body, or get healthier.. Do that too! But I beg you to live! Embrace yourself. Do it for me! Do it for you! Do it for the "Future You" (another future swimsuit post--is in the future, can't wait to write about it) By the way!!! I got my swimsuit top from the ever so popular Victoria Secret. I sometimes can't get myself to buy $50 matching swimsuit bottoms so I got my bottoms at Old Navy for super cheap! Yay!

Xoxoxo -Ashley-