He knows.

"I don't know how I feel. I don't know whether I am hurting, or if I am happy it's over.

I just don't know..

My mind is turning. I keep on re-playing the good memories. Then I replay the awful ending..."

That was my depressing text for the week. We will just leave that subject alone. 

I have a thing for saving my texts, the re-reading them. So that is why it is there.

This week everything has been thrown at me. The only thing that brings me comfort is knowing that God, knows I can do this. That I can handle it all. That he is there for me. I know I learned all this when I was 3. But sometimes, it just hits me so hard. It's funny. When I blog, things I never thought of just hits me.This happens to be one.

I have never been challenged with the problem of trying hard to forgive people. It came so easy for me for the most part, because I know it will bring me closure. But recently, I have had such a hard time forgiving people. Mabey because I don't want "closure", I just want to leave the matter alone. This week I have been tested tested and tested again. One of my best friends, got in a car wreck today. Do to drugs/alcohol. The first thing that hits me is, "yesterday she told me she stopped" I was so upset with her. She doesn't realize this isn't just fun and games. I have to learn I can't control any one but myself. I have been tested with people that hurt me. They want back in my life. I have shut them out, and blocked everything out. I have to some how learn to forgive them. But learn that doesn't mean I have to have "closure" and be happy with it all. That is hard for me also. No one really understands what I am going through, because I have been the "laugh it off type" you know? So I just fake it all a.o.k. It usually is, except for things hit me all together, like today. 

Overwhelmed?YES.

The thing that keeps me moving strong is knowing God is listening to my silent prayers in my heart. He knows what I a going through. He knew how I would handle my best friend being in a severe accident. He knows all this. This will one day make me stronger. Until then faith is the one thing I have to hold unto. 

Back in the day when I was 11. haha ( I felt super cool and old saying that.)

I had a lot hit me, like today. But I did not know how to handle it all like today. I then took a break from writing about my "crush" in my journal, and wrote about the problems that was going on. I some how became creative, and wrote a poem. (I seriously am never creative, but I guess I was that minute)haha. Well, ever since that day I guess I memorized it. Every time I hear bad news. Every time, I cry. Every time I feel overwhelmed. Every time, I just want to yell because I think no one understands, I hear the poem I wrote.

Here it is.

I know God loves me.

Because I can see.

I know he is there.

For you and me.

I know he is listens when I speak.

He knows when my life is good or bad.

He is there for me happy and sad.

He protects me and guides me every day.

He wants to hear what I have to say.

He believes in me with all his heart.

He knows my plan more then I.

If only I just believe, and give it time...

I know he is there, and rooting for me everywhere, I go.

I believe all this, because I know.