:)....
Choices are always so hard for me. It seems like a couple of weeks ago all theese choice have just flown my way. Deciding my future. Deciding on different choices. Deciding and choosing everything. Ever since all theese choices have come my way, it has therefor made me much more aware of the choices that I have to choose.(That made no sence, I know so good luck haha) I have choosen what college I want to go to. I have choose where I want to live next year, I have chose what I want to do every summer night. About a week ago it seems like not only was I having to make all theese choices, I was having to deal with tons of crappy unneccesary stress also. After days of wishing that I lived in a little "fairy tale" world that I see on T.V, I realised I just needed to make a choice. I realized that I choose to be happy. I choose to be upset. I choose to let people get to me. I choose to over think everything. I choose how I live each day. I have always been told,"Ashley, you let people get to you.ya ya ya " But honestly I always thought. No are you crazy I can't help how I feel, when people criticize me. Of coarse I get discouraged.
The point I am trying to get to.. is this. Last week I choose to wake up and be happy. I choose to be myself 100% of the time. I choose to be strong. I choose to love myself. (I know, I probably sound a tad nuts now) BUT IT WORKED.
I have never ever been happier. It seems like ever since I choose to be happy, 100000 million things have gone wrong. But when each thing has seemed stressful and gone wrong.. I just think "Ashley seriously, your going to let this ruin your day?" It also seems like I have been paying a lot of attention to what people tell me. Some one asked me this yesterday...
"You laugh all the time, is it fake?"
First of off of coarse it is not. I laugh because I am happy. I laugh because I want to. I laugh because I would rather not ball my eyes out. I laugh because I'm human. Ever since I was little I would always laugh at my life. I would always think,"How in the heck is this happening to me" or "why" then I would laugh. I think I learned to laugh from my mom. I remember she always used to laugh. And to this day we laugh all the time.I have seen one not loving your life, has done to people. It has destroyed them. I will never be like that.
0ne more blogging topic...(Again, my next blogging will be more entertaining I swear LOL)
I called my dad tonight. I thought since I was doing this "choosing to be happy thing"I figured it would be okay. I told him I graduated high school, I kinda told him my future plans, I told him I graduated seminary(which is not really a big deal in Utah, but heck it is too me!!! I woke up every darn morning to go to Seminary at 5:00am to go to Seminary for 2 yrs!!!!) I reminded him my birthday is Friday. I told him what was new. But the thing that got to me, was he didn't care. He really didn't. He wasn't proud. He didn't do much but just grown on the other line. Or just sit in complete silence. If you were to listen to our conversation, you would think we never have met.. When I got off the phone, yes I was hurt, but I didn't expect much different. I was telling my friend briefly about this...and I received this text from him
"Ash, he is missing out. You are wonderful, and the funniest person out there. He is missing out on a great girl. Your so strong and amazing,
I don't know how you do it!"
Usually I just blow texts off... But it really meant a lot. My whole out look was changed. I know think he is missing out. I think that later on when my dad is older, he will realize that he has missed out on literately everything in my life. I think one day he really well. Maybe in 10 years maybe in 50... but when he does it will get to me. I feel sorry for him, I feel sorry for his ignorance,selfishness, and lack of love toward his "once thought of priority" It was as like he didn't even watch his little girl grow up because he was never there. I have tried. I have tried over and over. I have no regrets. Dealing with my dad, has drawn me much closer to my mom, brother, and grandparents, I have become much closer with friends. I don't think my friends even half way understand how much I appreciate them. When my friends make me laugh, it is more then a laugh. I forget about all the other things going on.. and sometimes I really need to do that. So to all my friends,(yes, you are one if you are reading this) I love yall. You have impacted me more then ever. but most importantly my closeness to Christ has grown more then ever.
Well Well...
My computer won't let me put pictures on here for some reason.:(...Sad? I know! But this weekend has been awesome. I have had so many fun times with friends and family. I babysat a little boy and girl on Saturday. They were so so cute. We fished and played dolls, all night. By the way I am a complete pro at making truck and fire truck sounds now, so you can be jealous:)
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