Missing something you never have had.

       Honestly. I really didn't want to blog about this..But I might just have too. I apologize now if this sounds completely stupid or just dumb. Today, I was driving home from work. I pass two parks on the way to my house. The first park I passed there was a STOP sign. I always stop and never think anything about it. This time when I stopped I looked at the park. I saw a dad pushing there little girl on the swings. My windows were down and I herd them laughing and having like the best times of BOTH their lives. I remember when I was little, and went to the park, I always wondered what it would be like to have a dad push me on the swings. When I got older, I never thought much about it, I actually never wondered why my dad didn't go to the park with me. I had a "ssomewhat" relationship with my dad until I was about 4 I think. When I was 4-8, I think that is when I realized he wanted nothing to do with me. The anger kicked in when I was 8, I was beyond mad that other little girls just loved and adored there dad's and I just didn't..didn't at all. I remember crying every night for 3ish years,because I wanted to know what it was like to have a "dad", that loved,supported, and was simply there for me.

I don't think there is a way to fully 100% accept the fact that your "dad" wants nothing

to do with you, but I think every day if you try to accept the fact, it does come easier. I just try to forget totally about him, although little reminders hit you sometimes..like today. Within the last year I have tried my hardest to cope with the fact that I have been more or less disowned by him. I just wonder what it would be like. What it would be like to call someone "Dad". To say "I love you dad". To simply talk with him without being repeatedly verbally abused or degraded. People say every girl needs a dad in their lives. As much as I never wanted to believe this comment, I can now say yes I believe it. Dad I needed you. I always needed you. I tried to act like it was okay. But it's not. I never thought you could miss something you never had.. But when you see others having it. You learn to long for that.

Although, I have never had a "dad" in my life. I am so thankful to have a Heavenly Father

in my life. Who won't leave me when things gets hard. Who will love me unconditionally. Who will be there to pick me up when I fall, and who will "push" me on my personal swings in life. It's terribly crazy how typing all this out, led me to this conclusion. Sorry about such a draining post. Tomorrow's will be uplifting I pinky promise:)