Closure comes from within.

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Has it really been 3 months since my last post?

This post will probably be some rambling. Honest rambling.

Watch out:) 

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C.L.O.S.U.R.E.

(A 7 letter word that took me months to figure out)

The last little while (several months) have been hard. Life has been crazy. I have put on a smile, and just kept pushing foward. However deep down I KNEW I was caught up in the past, as embarrassing as it was to admit..and there was no way, I could push away my pride and ADMIT IT. 

 I couldn't admit it because...

 "shouldn't I be over it?" 

That thought flaunted through my head ALL THE TIME. 

But deep down, as much as I "pretended" I was. I clearly wasn't.

It wasn't that I was depressed, I was just unsure/confused/lost/ and lonely, all mixed into one huge ball and thrown into my 20 year old heart.

It was insane. I did not want the "past" back. I DID know that.

I wanted some form of closure though.I wanted it SO bad. As much as I felt like I tried , I never could get closure. I knew if I got the closure, If I asked the "why questions", if I got the answers..then I would have a "sense of closure", and therefore my past would become unattached and slowly drift away. 

Not getting the closure and not being able to talk about issues that bothered me, and caused bitterness.

...

Summer months flew by, and I began to learn more and more about myself.I like to think of this time as my "Rediscovering period of life". I  learned more about myself more in the months of July through September, than I ever thought possible. Summer was the busiest summer I have ever had. I was constantly on the go. 

Vacation after Vacation. Class every day. I litteratly never relaxed. 

I believe because of my busy summer, I never had a chance to "take a break" and reflect/think/ and honestly just come to accept the craziness that I was going through. I pushed it all to the back of my mind.

On September 1st, I decided A TON of things. You know those days where you just sit down and think,"What the heck is going on with my life" moments? That was September 1st. I made changes, wrote goals,prayed, and came to acceptance with everything. It is unbelievable to me how much power the human brain has on your attitude.

Most of all I realized something really important to me:

Closure is not a two way street in my case. I clearly was not going to get closure the way I (originally) thought I needed wanted. I would get closure, if I came to the agreement within myself that closure is sometimes not getting closure. Closure is choosing to accept things within myself.

On September 1st, that is exactly what I did.

This last month has been unbelievably great.

Why you ask?

I am happy. 

I am content.

I am much more than content.

I am confident.

I have come to accept and actually become thankful for situations I NEVER thought I would.

 

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So many new things are happening so let me fill you in on just 5 little items.

1.)-I currently go to WSU still but I am deciding about transferring to UVU. (holy cow)

2.)-I am 99.9% sure I am changing my major. (insane-I know)

3.)-I work 2 new jobs. 

4.)-I am a student teacher.

5.)-Every single friend except 3 have moved away.I have made so many new friends. (seriously a miracle.)

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Besides being confused and searching for "Closure" which was needed to be found within, I had a simply AMAZING summer. Some summer recapping will be done in the following blog post.