These past couple of days have been hard.So hard.
I've felt alone, I've felt like things should turn around...and they just keep getting worse..
I guess what I hate the most about this week, is that sometimes I feel that I really don't have people that understand. Sure my family is there for me, but it kills me watching them go through the exact same thing I am. Sure my friends will listen, but they never experienced all this, and I am sure they don't care. Although, the last couple days I have been "trying" my hardest to cope, and take in everything...deep down I am hurt. I have been trying my hardest to stay strong for everyone, but you can only stay strong and positive for so long before reality sets in.
I have always hated crying infront of people, and letting them know that I am hurt..I have been told recently numerous times that I don't always have to be strong. But all my life, Ive tried to be the strong girl, the girl that would take the punches with a smile and move on...But deep down, I am scared of letting people know I am actually not okay, that I had an awful day, or that I had a hard day, or that no I am actually not happy everyday.Some days I wish someone wouldn't believe that I "am doing okay". Some days I wish I was made to open up, instead of trying to hold it in. Now don't get me wrong, I am not some depressant freak, but we all have up and down days. Unfortunately this week has been filled with more downer days then up days..
-I am petrified of going to the doctor, and praying the results come back okay.
-I am petrified that I am not being the "bigger" person.
-I am not sure how to handle people in my life.
-I hate the uncertainty of not knowing.
-I hate how mean people can be to me, simply because I am bettering my life.
-I hate doubting myself to the point that I begin to doubt the relationships I am in.
It is so hard trying to not let all these issues get to me, since one hits me right after the other this whole week. It is so hard not letting other effect my thinking. Moments like this, just makes me want to have a good deep cry session.
These last couple sleepless nights, and bad days have been draining. I am crossing my fingers everything straightens out..To all the people I have been a complete brat to, I am apologizing.
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